ATTACK GIRLS' SWIM TEAM VERSUS THE UNDEAD (2007)
posted 00/00/2009

Directed by:
Kôji Kawano

Starring:
Sasa Handa ... Aki
Yuria Hidaka ... Sayaka
Ayumu Tokitô ... Mariko
Mizuka Arai

Country: Japan
Runtime: 78 min
Original title: Joshikyôei hanrangun
Aka: Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Unliving Dead,
Undead Pool
 
   

WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS AND MAY CAUSE ERECTIONS!!!

I had no idea what I was in for with this movie, and I can assure you that neither do you. I must ask that you not scroll down to the screen-caps at the bottom. Doing so will probably make all of this writing void and will ruin some surprises that you will find along the way. We all know the Japanese make weird movies, and this one is no exception. However, it is a bit more mainstream than most of the other stuff (say Entrails of a Beautiful Woman) but boy does it have one ground-breakingly memorable scene!

There is a new popular virus going around the school and they are giving out vaccines to the entire student body and faculty. We meet Aki Kitashima (played by the amazingly gorgeous Japanese porn star Sasa Handa), who is the new big-breasted girl in school, and she has become friends with Sayaka (played by Japanese porn star Yuria Hidaka). Are you sensing a pattern? Wait till the next paragraph. Aki is unbelievably cute and Sayaka ain't half bad either. They each share a hickey-style birthmark over their right boob, which we get to see a lot (A LOT!) and they also share the same mole in the same place on their neck. They are spending the day skipping class and the vaccine shots when all hell breaks loose. It turns out the shots are turning the students and the teachers into blood thirsty zombie crazies. The only ones unaffected are our two leads and the school's all-girl swim team.

It turns out that Aki is a badass and fights her way through the zombies like nobody's business. After a quick battle with their juggling math teacher, Aki is wounded and Sayaka takes her to the school kitchen to care for her. There, Aki tells us how she came to have combat skills. It turns out that she had been kept prisoner for years by a man who was training her to be a water terrorist. I have no idea what that means, but the training involves crawling on the sand with your elbows and doing push ups in a bikini with a ball-gag in her mouth. That’s the reason Aki hates the water, but is drawn to the pool because it reminds her of her training. Sayaka doesn't care where or what Aki did in the past. She plans on caring for her, and even dying for her if that is what it takes. She'll even prove it by feeding her soup. How does she feed her soup? Well, how else, she spoons a bit of soup into her mouth, then kisses Aki and spits the soup into her mouth. How else would you eat soup?

Now, my friends, I have to tell you about possibly the greatest scene I have ever seen in my life. At this moment, about 35 minutes into the movie, which is a little less than halfway through, the film stops. But it has a very good reason to stop. It stops from being a crazy zombies-at-school movie and becomes a softcore porno that was maybe an insert shot (pun intended) away from XXX status. Aki and Sayaka disrobe, exchange tongues in a passionate, sloppy kiss, and rub each other's breasts. Then Sayaka lays Aki down and proceeds to furiously finger her while licking her breasts (see pictures below). I guess there's a reason why director Koji Kawano hired pornstars. But here's the thing, as awesomely erotic as this scene is, it takes you right out of the movie. It is no longer a splatter film, but nearly a porno and the rest of the movie seems to get sleazier and pornier as it goes along which makes me wonder if Koji wanted to make a horror movie or a porno movie. Some of you may not care, and are probably screaming that right now, so let's get back to the story.

After what just happened, this movie was getting dangerously close to blowing my lid. The girls come to the conclusion that they are the only ones unaffected because of the chemicals in the pool water. They test their theory and it seems to work on the students, but not on the teachers, specifically their English teacher who loves to eat intestines. All of a sudden, Aki says she knows who is doing all this, she can feel him, and runs off to stop him. But first she grabs a quick shower and has a flashback. In the flashback we see her writhing on a bare mattress on the floor while a guy in a red Dr. No outfit plays the flute. Apparently this flute makes women super horny, and Aki can't take it so she rips her shirt off, exposes her breasts, and says "put it inside me". The guy screws her furiously and while this is happening I'm coming to the conclusion that he's the guy who was training her to be a water terrorist (which still makes no sense to me). The girls, led by Sayaka, get into their swim outfits and head out into the hallways to fight, but their first fight kills them all except for Sayaka. So much for the so-called rebel force. The final blow comes from their swim coach, who rips his face away and reveals that he's the flute player. Aki, meanwhile, escapes the worst, cheapest explosion that I have ever seen, but maybe that was the point and it was done on purpose.

Anyway, Aki somehow lands in the boiler room and meets the mysterious man in red. He tries to get her horny with his flute, but she's come prepared with earplugs. Not only that, but she's managed to fashion some random bits of swim gear into weapons with sharp needles that protrude from them. They have a retarded fight and eventually Aki manages to get behind him and cut his throat. She heads outside to find Sayaka, and spots her on the ground unconscious. She brings her back to life by making out with her and swapping tongues like there's no tomorrow. Sayaka starts laughing. She stands and exposes her boobs to rub the hickey mark off of her breast. It turns out she was working for Red Suit all along and was ordered to attend Aki's school and become her friend. This, of course, makes no sense because today is Aki's first day and everyone seems to know Sayaka. How could she have known which school Aki would have picked? Regardless, it turns out that Red Suit had a twin, which really makes no difference in the story and isn't much of a surprise twist. Aki manages to defeat this other brother by firing the laser beam that she has cleverly concealed in her vagina. The brother explodes thanks to some cheap photoshop effects and Aki, now covered in blood and guts, decides to take a swim in the pool. However, Sayaka, who was killed by the twin brother, slipped her poison and it seizes her heart killing her instantly. The end.

Let me first take a moment to say that I did not know this movie was as raunchy as it turned out to be. I heard the name, found out it was a Japanese horror movie, so I thought it'd be good for the site. So no one can blame me for adding porn to the site, because I didn't know. That being said, I am glad it is here because it is full of splatter and boobs and is certainly obscure. Also, I have probably inspired all of you to go rent or purchase it. But this is a review, so amazing lesbian sequences aside, I have to be critical. This movie kind of sucks. The plot is ridiculous, if you hadn't figured that out. Huge leaps in logic happen, like what possessed Aki to think that Red Suit had anything to do with the zombie virus? The effects are cheap and shoddy. The blood is too fake looking and the severed arms are ridiculous over the counter jobs. There's also a weird scene in the beginning with a Ring-style ghost in the pool that is never explained or paid off. There isn't even that much zombie gore action. There is more nudity, so maybe that isn't a bad thing. The fact is that this film is basically a thinly-disguised excuse to show naked girls. But not just that, to show them masturbating each other and licking each other's boobs. Not a bad reason, but not a good one if you are also trying to make some kind of a slapstick horror movie at the same time. So, the final verdict is that yeah, you can certainly get off to this movie and the actresses are amazingly pretty (especially Sasa, who is breathtaking clothed or unclothed), but don't expect to be re- watching this movie for entertainment...unless you're fast forwarding to the 35 minute mark. Okay, enough talk, you can enjoy the pictures now.

- Jose Prendes

 

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