posted 00/00/2011

Directed by:
Hirohisa Sasaki

Hiroshi Abe ... FBI Agent
Sadao Abe ... Kiyohiko
Hitomi Miwa ... Satomi Kurahashi
Tomomi Kuribayashi ... Lucy

Country: Japan
Runtime: n/a
Original title: Chi wo sû uchû

Ladies and gentlemen, in my three years writing for this site I have never come across a movie like this. I present to you the first ever GOLDEN TURKEY film. What does that mean? Well, simply that the film failed in all (and I mean ALL) categories. It had no blood (I will explain this later, despite the film's title promising tons of red stuff), it had no nudity, it really didn't have a beast or villain of any kind, and it was an overall Red Death Coffin. So, in conclusion, this is the first movie ever to receive the honor of becoming Strictly Splatter's first Golden Turkey film. Now my problem here is where do I even begin reviewing a movie that is basically unreviewable?

When I say a movie is unreviewable, I mean it. In the case of this film, I'm completely surprised the script got produced in the first place. I know it's Japan and all, but this movie is confusing even for the Asian market. I fear I won't be able to give you an accurate review of the film because I am not really sure I understood what was happening, and I don't think the filmmakers did either. This movie became something new every ten minutes and that is not an exaggeration. I will try my best to describe the flow of the film, and I guarantee you that you will get lost. Then imagine watching the movie, and I am 100% sure you'd be saying "WHAT THE FUCK?" as much as I was. It's not so much that the film was flawed, it was just really, REALLY confusing and dare I say Bi-Polar in terms of plot and character motivations and timelines and pretty much everything else. So here we go:

Satomi's daughter Misato has just been kidnapped and she calls upon the cops for help. They arrive at her apartment to set up their base of operations when Satomi's husband arrives and informs the cops that they don't even have a daughter. The cops are about to leave when a psychic gypsy lady shows up and tells them that Misato does exist and that the kidnappers will call. The phone rings and the psychic uses her mental powers to track down the location. Satomi goes to the house where the phone call from Misato came from and doesn't know how to break in until she sees a local politician's support bus rallying through town an decides to kill one of the girls and take her place to infiltrate the kidnapper's hideout as a voter registration person. She gets inside and finds that Misato might have been there once, but is gone now. Then she gets the strong urge to take a piss and runs outside to urinate in the woods, where she meets the politician (who's name I forgot, but who cares) and is forced to join him and his peeps on their rally bus. While on the bus, Satomi is raped by the horny politician and it turns out (though we never EVER find out for sure) that he and the rest of his "supporters" might be aliens and she has just been impregnated by an alien. Are you with me so far? No? I figured as much, but hold on because that was only like the first thirty minutes of movie.

Suddenly, Satomi awakens back in her apartment. Was all that bullshit just a dream? Apparently, because the cops are packing up to leave yet again as the psychic gypsy shows up again (or for real this time, I don't know) and the kidnappers call her, forcing her to go to the library and do some research on the history of Indians (not kidding). At the library, she finds that a book on Indians has been reserved for her and on the inside there is a note that says she has been chosen. Chosen for what, I have no idea. She goes on to meet two FBI agents who are investigating something (not really sure what), and who might also be aliens. Satomi ends up in jail somehow, but manages to escape after her and her cellmates karate fight their way to freedom. Then she runs into the woods and meets the politician and her mother, who owned the kidnapper's house. They dress her in a wedding gown and she gets hit by a car. The movie ends with Satomi reincarnated as a spider, watching her widowed husband re-married and raising a new little girl, who may or may not be Misato after all. This is about as much as I understood of this ridiculous mess of a film.

It's hard to put into words how utterly confusing and preposterous this film was. You can tell by the insane plotting from the brief description above how off-the-wall it was and how it would suddenly switch plots from kidnapping thriller to comedy about politics to being raped by aliens to ghost movie to I don't know what the fuck else. But beside the mind-destroying plotting, let's take a look at that title. First of all, there was absolutely no gore. There was a blood stain on a bed and that was all, so I chose not to count it because I was expecting GORE not just one bloodstain. Second of all, we are never really made certain if anyone actually did come from space or what the fuck they were doing in the first place. So when you add that all up you realize that the Japanese don't have a fucking clue when it comes to titling their movies. This might be a problem with Asia in general, if you've ever read my Sex Medusa review. I won't waste anymore of our time on this piece of crap movie. Don't watch it. There is no gore, and no way you'd be able to figure it out. The Golden Turkey film is a rare film indeed, at least I hope it is. I want another three years before I find something like this again!

- Jose Prendes


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