There are crazy films and then there are ridiculous films. This Japanese horror entry by Nobuhiko Obayashi (Summer Among the Zombies, Samurai Kids) manages to be both. This off-the-wall feature straddles the line between unbearably cheesy Disney sitcom and crack-fueled nightmare. This is a no-holds-barred experience in experimental Japanese cinema and it is a wild, insane, unstable, unbelievable ride that will have you scratching your head about every ten seconds and rolling your eyes every five seconds.

We are introduced to a group of friends (Japanese schoolgirls, and real ones...not 20-year-olds pretending to be teens with developed breasts) with the most retarded names ever. The leader of the group is Gorgeous (that's her name), she is the pretty one. Then we have Fantasy (that's REALLY her name), who is the most fantastic of the group. We follow her up with Prof (NO JOKE), who happens to be the four-eyed smart one. Up next is Mac (as in Big Mac), she is the fat one who is always hungry and always annoying. Who can forget Kung Fu (seriously not kidding), who is the tough one in the group and uses her kung fu skills to defend her friends from the house of evil. Last but not least is Melody, who has the most normal name, but she also happens to be musically inclined and can play a mean piano so her name becomes as stupid as the others. The girls have just been let out of school for summer vacation and after a series of misfortunes they head to Gorgeous' estranged Aunt's house high up in the hills.

The girls arrive and find dear old Auntie wheelchair bound and white-haired. She is happy to have them there and instantly the audience's spidey-senses kick in because we realize that there is something wrong with her and this old, lonely-looking house she inhabits with a white Persian cat who's eyes glow green when he's up to evil mischief. Also the film is called House (Hausu is the Japanese title), so you figure that something crazy is in store for the ridiculously-named schoolgirls in this house. What exactly is in store? Well, we never truly find out but I guess the house and the Auntie are connected somehow and feed off of young virgins to sustain their life. In the 87 minute running time, we get a severed girl's head biting another girl on the ass, underage nudity (which I am sure is illegal everywhere...even Japan), a kitty cat music video, a piano eating a girl with the worst 70s effects aiding it, firefly juggling, kung fu against haunted sticks, a river of blood flooding the house, horrible matte paintings, severed arms comically strewn about, God awful blue screen work, and a ton of other crazy crap that I can't even remember and I saw the movie an hour ago! This film is an assault on the senses, visually and mentally.

Imagine if you will a David Lynch movie starring anime-style teen girls acting in a script written and directed at the height if an LSD and PCP fest and you'll get a pretty good idea how astoundingly insane this film is. I have no problem with a film trying to be unique, but this film pushes the limits of uniqueness and becomes one of the most annoying and aggravating cinematic experiences of my life. The biggest problem is that I had trouble separating which girl was which (yes, they do look all the same to me), and when some of them disappeared I couldn't for the life of me remember what had happened to them. I felt like a pinball bouncing between weird scenes and similar-looking actresses. The acting is on-par with the comical, sugary, mongoloid stylings of Disney channel's worst. The direction is all over the place and it feels like Obayashi-sama was much too pleased with himself and all the crazy, drug-deranged ideas he could come up with. This is really a hard film to review, because it has to be seen to really understand how annoying and head-scratchingly balls-out bizarre it really is. In the end, you've been brutalized by vibrant color schemes, millions of edits and thousands of camera moves and superimpositions, not to mention the whiny voices of the all-girl cast. Needless to say it leaves you confused and exhausted.

This film is saved from getting a RED DEATH because of the amount of ballsy creativity on display. For every twenty bits of stupidness, there is one clever and unique idea. But ultimately, the cast is atrocious and the plot is lost within itself and unintelligible (What was the cat? Why would the auntie need to eat virgins? What happened to everyone?), making the final product a tweenage nightmare. Ready for the punchline? Obayashi-sama's seven-year-old came up with the story...'nuff said.

- Jose Prendes