Jesus Franco will never (EVER!) be considered a master of the filmaking trade, much less an important part of it. I know this is harsh, coming in right off the bat, but I feel I must say this to ease you all into a review of this misleadingly titled film. Yes, there is a female in the film (boy, is there ever!), but the vampire part is debatable.

The movie begins with the lovely Lina Romay, a Jesus Franco staple, walking toward the camera in her "vampire" outfit. It consists of a cape, and a belt, and that's it. Why does she need a belt? Who knows. Does that make her look more like a vampire? Anyway, she approaches this farmer and proceeds to suck him off, then while he orgasms, she bites his dick and drinks his blood. Crazy, right? If we got to see any gory shit, it might have been a heck of an opener, but all we get is the guy's stupid face and his bare ass. Anyway, there's not much plot here, so I will try and give you the basic points of interest along the way.

Lina plays Countess Irina Karlstein, a mute woman who loves to be naked and is cursed with vampirism...or so they tell us, because we never see fangs or anything! She is interviewed by a woman who wants to know more about the countess, and later seduces this woman, going down on her for twenty minutes and then drinking her vagina blood (that's right folks, and it's pretty gross, because she raises her head and you see a clear fluid oozing from her lips...nasty!). Then she meets up with some other people, has sex with them and drinks their genital blood. Then she goes to a castle somewhere, where these 2 girls strip her naked and whip her, then she has sex with them and drinks their genital blood. Then she meets up with this dumb-looking guy, who she falls in love with, but in the end she cannot overcome her blood lust and drinks his genital blood. Franco even plays a part in the film, as Dr. Roberts, the Van Helsing of the film. He does nothing of interest for the whole damn movie, and once he finally tracks her down, he watches her masturbate in a bathtub full of Hawaiian Punch and then she suddenly dies. THE END.

As soon as this movie started, I knew there had to be a XXX version of it. I did some research, and lo and behold there is a XXX version floating around somewhere, as well as various cuts under different names. This movie was not a horror movie! Even if she did kill people and was supposedly a vampire, it is merely a thinly-veiled porno film. In one scene, she masturbates over the corpse of one of her victims, and you pretty much see it all...AND I MEAN ALL (and the elevator music soundtrack doesn't add to the fun, either)! It also didn't help that the film was long as shit! There is one boring as hell scene where she licks a bed post and has sex with a pillow, which went on forever! Leave it to Franco to make sex and nudity boring! However, this is as close as some of you may get to real porn, and if you're Lina Romay fans, then you shouldn't be dissuaded from buying this dull turkey. But if you want sex, get a porno. If you want vampires, get something else. In other words, stay the hell away from this lame attempt at a vampire movie.

- Jose Prendes