BLOOD
OVERALL
BEASTS
BREASTS
Director:Elisar Cabrera
Writer:Elisar Cabrera
Cast---
Wendy Cooper ...  Celeste Sheridan
Eileen Daly ...  Raven
Kerry Knowlton ...  Hyde
Stephanie Beaton ...  Det. Lucy Lutz
Sean Harry ...  Agent Chris Dixon
Frank Scantori ...  Agent Ben Markovec
Emily Booth ...  Linnaca (as Emily Bouffante)

Runtime: 90 min
WITCHCRAFT X: MISTRESS OF THE CRAFT (1998)

Just when I thought I was done, it pulls me back in. When I last left the series, way back in episode 6, I
figured I'd have enough time to decompress and get this ridiculous waste of time series out of my system
before I would have to swallow my next and last 3 portions. Well, the time has come too soon and Jorge
can rest now as I take the worn, sweat and blood soaked reigns. Pray I survive this, folks.

  So because I'm growing tired of these horrendous cinematic abortions, I'm going to do something a
little different with this review. First, the basic plot. Spanner is out, and Lutz takes center stage. Lutz is
still a woman and buxom Stephanie Beaton returns from part 9 to reprise her role. Out are the sunny
skies of Los Angeles, and in are the gloomy, overcast skies of London. You would think the transplant to
a European setting would have been a good thing for the series, but it ends up being pretty much the
same movie. Lutz travels to London to extradite a Satanic serial killer calling himself Hyde. Hyde is
played by stunt man Kerry Knowlton, and it's hard to tell what's worse, his acting or his stunts. Hyde is
rescued from police custody in the most ridiculously lame manor possible by a super vampire witch
named Raven (played by sexy Eileen Daly, Razor Blade Smile, who not only has a great body but knows
her way around a nude scene...look it up). She wants Hyde's help in raising Morshenka, a demon more
powerful than Satan (don't really know how that's possible), but Hyde has plans of his own to make
himself the greatest warlock that ever lived...or something. But never fear, the ineffectual, yet luscious,
Lutz and her Brit counterparts have help in the form of the white witch Celeste, who is basically a more
pro-active and badass Will Spanner with boobs. She is the titular Mistress of the Craft...but then again,
isn't every witch a mistress of the craft? Whatever, doesn't really matter. In the end a ritual happens and
Spanner...I mean Celeste shows up and yada yada yada.

  The thing you wouldn't figure from a movie like this is that it would teach you life lessons, stuff you
really should know if you don't already. Allow me to list the many fun facts scattered throughout this
picture and I'm sure you'll see how they can apply to your own lives:
1.) The British police are a bunch of pussies.
2.) Lesbian vampires are fantastic henchmen.
3.) An English accent does not instantly make you a competent actor.
4.) Big boobs will get you hired onto anything...ANYTHING! (I'm looking at you, Stephanie!)
5.) To count as a sequel, all you have to do is include a supporting character and briefly mention the
lead of the rest of the series. "Hey, remember that time Indiana Jones and I raided the lost ark? Good
times. Anyway, on with the search for Atlantis!"
6.) When you have a cut, don't put on a band-aid or wash it, just touch it frequently and wince.
7.) Even if you're a cop, it's okay to act scared and not do anything remotely "heroic" or cop-like,
especially if you're big-breasted.
8.) If you're a witch or a vampire you are also skilled at karate, but your choreography is going to be
slow and ridiculous!
9.) Opening your eyes unnaturally wide conveys intensity during moments requiring you to act scared or
worried or shocked.
10.) Good witches must wear vinyl battle outfits with a cape and a snazzy cloth belt in order to best evil.
11.) If you rip someone's heart out...it will catch fire and explode!
12.) Crack-heads are also great henchmen.
13.) If you have big breasts, remember to take long, seductive bubble baths. PLEASE!

  This entry into the series is the first to abandon all attempts at quality and start shooting on video. The
picture is grainy and frequently too dim to distinguish faces. Directed by Elisar Cabrera (Demonsoul),
this feels more like a Lutz spin-off than a true Witchcraft movie. Sure, the same retard plotting is in
place, as are the five or so sex scenes (which get pretty steamy), but with Spanner out of the picture,
the spin-off idea starts to make sense. Garner, Lutz's partner, also makes an appearance, but in name
only, when Lutz calls L.A. a few times. The best scene is about a half hour in when we got a boatload of
nudity. Beaton takes a sultry, big-breasted bath, the evil Raven and Hyde have crazy sex, and Celeste
and her boyfriend Harry make it on their comfy bed. After this, which becomes the pinnacle of the film's
achievement, the film degrades into boring stretches of boring. Its hard to care for characters who are
so lifeless and absurdly false with their human emotions. Acting is about as important as the material,
and both are severely lacking here. But what am I saying, this is a God damn Witchcraft movie, so I
guess it does fit within the series after all!

  In the end, the girls make this one a 1 coffin. Without Beaton's body, I would have dropped it to zero,
but what can I say, I'm a sucker for nice boobies. Sure, Beaton frequently says "acrost" and "excaped",
and comes off as an airhead pretty much all the time, but if she doesn't care, then I don't either! This
isn't the worst entry I've seen from this series, in fact I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would, but I
probably would never watch it again (okay maybe the bath tub scene again). I'm sure I can expect more
backyard quality grunge with the next two installments, and don't worry folks because not only do
Stephanie's breasts return in the next one, but so does everyone's favorite anti-hero Will Spanner (by
"anti" I don't mean Snake Plissken, I mean Don Knots). I can see the end in sight. Just two more to go
and I can forget I've ever seen these films. As for this one, I assume you are planning to stay away from
this series completely...so go with that feeling, it's a good feeling.




                                                                                                            - Jose Prendes
IMAGES
BLOOD
Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998)
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