Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton  & Marcus Dunstan
Cast---
Jenny Wade ...  Honey Pie
Clu Gulager ...  Bartender
Diane Goldner ...  Biker Queen
Martin Klebba ...  Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ...  Slasher
Tom Gulager ...  Greg
Hanna Putnam ...  Secrets
Chelsea Richards ...  Tat Girl
Juan Longoria García ...  Lightning
Melissa Reed ...  Biker Girl

Runtime: 97 min
FEAST II: SLOPPY SECONDS

    I don't think I have ever been as disappointed by a sequel before this movie. Being a huge supporter
of the first "FEAST", I jumped on this film as soon as I found it at Blockbuster and would have bought it if
my money situation wasn't as tight as it is. But I am very glad I didn't buy it, because I would have felt
incredibly pissed off if I had. This movie is overindulgent, unlikable, and tasteless in a bad way. The
entire creative team returns for this one, which makes it so much harder for me to understand how they
could misstep so terribly and make one of the most unpleasant films of 2008.

We begin 16 hours after the first movie and find Biker Queen (the sister of the first film's victim Harley
Mom, played by John Gulager's long-time girlfriend Diane Goldner) traveling the roads, searching for
her sister who has vanished off the face of the earth. She finds Bartender (played by John Gulager's
dad and star of "RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" Clu Gulager, who I've had the pleasure of going to the
movies with a few times and find him to be incredibly nice) the first of 2 survivors of the first film who
actually wanted to return for the second film. She takes him with her, because he knows who killed her
sister. They head to Town (keeping the theme of generic names) looking for Bozo (Balthazar Getty from
the first movie, who did not want to come back), but find Honey Pie instead (a put-upon blonde played
by Jenny Wade). Bartender proceeds to beat the shit out of Honey Pie, almost killing her, but she
manages to escape. She is also the second of the 2 official survivors from the first film.

The film is such a muddled mess that I'll just skip over the rest of the character introductions and fast
forward to a gas station garage, where everyone I just mentioned (except Honey Pie) plus two Mexican
wrestling midgets, a car salesmen, his employee Greg (played by John's brother Tom...are you seeing a
pattern here?) his adulterous wife who is sleeping with Greg, and Biker Queen's four other biker chick
gang members, and the midget's grandmother are all holed up. This ragtag bunch of unlikable
characters spend the entire film hiding out from the monsters, who you barely get a chance to see. They
do however get their hands on a dead one and Greg decides to play Dr. Quinn and perform an autopsy.
So begins the most gratuitous, unnecessary scene in the film. I love a good dissection, but when it's just
used as filler and an excuse for random splatter, then it's something I can't get behind. Not that
everything has to make sense, mind you, but it certainly slowed the action down to focus on girls getting
shit on and sprayed with monster cum.

Anyway, they end up on the roof as the monsters run around town, trying to find a way to eat the
survivors. Honey Pie escaped into a convenience store after her fight with Clu, and spends the rest of
the movie boringly trying to get out of the locked store. She has a fun fight with a midget monster, but
before that her scenes are lead weights that drag the momentum of the film down. So, let me shorten
things up here, to make sense of all this madness and get us to the end. They decide to build a catapult
and send a midget over to the police station across the street which is the most secure building in town,
but the homeless drunk that was imprisoned there in the beginning has taken it over for himself and
won't let anyone in. The biker chicks get naked (which I didn't mind), Greg drops a baby on it's head to
distract the monsters and get away from them (which I did mind, a lot, and made me dislike the movie
instantly), the catapult thing doesn't pay off, and finally the monsters flood the rooftop and the film ends
with the eventual part 3 in the works. Oh, and Honey Pie makes it out, only to get a piece of pipe in her
throat, which kills her...but stay until the end of the credits for more on this story.

First the obvious. The film doesn't have the dread and intensity of the first film. It drags and practically
stops in the middle for mindless chatter and random nothingness. John Gulager's directing, which was
very focused and almost Carpenter-meets-Hitchcock in the first film, makes this film almost unwatchable
with his stubborn insistence on the experimental student film style. As for the characters, who you
actually cared about in the first film, the ones portrayed here are ugly, obnoxious, and unpleasant. This
plays more like a Tarantino movie with a hundred pages less in dialog than a worthy successor to the
instant classic monster fest that was the first movie. I am very disappointed, Mr. Gulager. I'm also looking
at you guys, Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, the writers responsible for the story getting so far off
track and becoming silly trash. I'll watch the third one, but please, please contain yourselves and
remember: this is a horror movie, not a 70s exploitation movie spoof with the occasional monster.


                                                                                                  - Jose Prendes
Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
Seen it too? Let us know what you thought.

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