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OVERALL
BEASTS
BREASTS
Aka: Feast III: The Happy
Finish
Director: John Gulager
Writers:Patrick Melton  & Marcus Dunstan
Cast---
Jenny Wade ...  Honey Pie
Martin Klebba ...  Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ...  Slasher (as Carl
Anthony Payne)
Craig Henningsen ...  Jean Claude Seagal
Juan Longoria García ...  Lightning
Diane Goldner ...  Biker Queen
Hanna Putnam ...  Secrets
Tom Gulager ...  Greg Swank
William Prael ...  Hobo
Chelsea Richards ...  Tat Girl
Clu Gulager ...  Bartender
FEAST 3: THE HAPPY FINISH (2009)
  
    I wasn't expecting much from this movie, being incredibly disappointed with the sloppy seconds of the
sequel to what looked to be the most promising horror franchise in a while, but the third (and final?) film
makes up for the nihilistic and unpleasant sequel, but not by much.

   When we last saw our unlikely and unlikable gang of heroes they were stuck on a rooftop trying their
hardest to get into the police station across the street, which happens to be the most fortified building in
the small town they are holed up in. They finally reach their destination and meet a badass military guy
named Shitkicker, who is allergic to pussies. He rallies them to arms, telling them its time to take a stand
and fight back. The problem is that the police station turns out to be a terrible place to hide out and the
gang is separated as they rush back out into the destroyed town. One half of the team goes to the used
car lot to break into the safe to get keys to the cars. The other half tries to escape on its own and
Slasher, the only black man in town, is anally raped by a monster and gives birth to a creature/human
hybrid that chases the survivors around town.

   The biker chicks hide out in a bus buried underground (don't ask) and they manage to get it started
and drive out of the ground. They try to escape, but the engine dies. They reunite with the rest of the
gang, and meet up with Prophet, a retarded guy with a wizard's cloak, who can apparently control the
monsters. They hit the sewers to hide and run into the zombie-like Pukers, which are victims of the
beasts that have been puked on by them and are now blood-crazed psychos. These weirdos offer some
suspense as they walk through the dimly-lit sewers. Here they meet up with Jean-Claude Segal, a
teenage karate kid that helps them survive, but takes most of the licks. In one great scene, he is injured
and Clu Gulager, who returns as Bartender, references the famous gunpowder cauterization scene from
RAMBO 3, but the results are disastrous

   In the end, the survivors run into the hybrid monster and decide to eat it to death. I don't know why
they decided to do this, but they manage to kill the big baddie of the film this way. Sorry to ruin it, but the
big surprise is coming up. Biker Queen, who has been puked on, agrees to sacrifice herself and rides of
into the sunset with a yowling monster on her new-found dirt bike to draw the monsters away. Bartender
decides that now that the world has gone to hell the only thing left to do is to repopulate and that means
he's going to have to start screwing all the girls in sight. Suddenly, something happens which is too
outlandish and retarded and just plain stupid that I don't feel like going into it here. If you're interested in
seeing the film, you'll know what I mean about the last minute of the movie. Then the film ends and we
are serenaded by a mariachi.

   How can a movie where the monster decapitates a girl, eats the head, then shits it out again be bad?
How can a movie with a ton of blood and guts and violence be boring? How can a movie promise so
much, then slap you in the face with a big old "SCREW YOU!" at the end? These are the questions I
asked myself while watching this film. Although it is a much better monster film than the sequel, it is
terrible and pointless compared to the original. The big surprise ending, which some people have talked
about, is neither good nor appreciated. I won't ruin it here, but let’s just say you won't see it coming
because it is just idiotic. We don't get any kind of back-story on these monsters and none of these
characters develop or do sane things for that matter. I'd be fine with that, if the film offered something
new for them to do. But basically they wander around in the dark, getting attacked by the monsters and
the Pukers that seem to be everywhere. If you liked Part 2, you'll love this one, if you didn't, then be
aware that this is basically more of the same bullshit. If they make a forth installment I hope they give a
new team of writers and directors a chance to help put what could have been a legendary monster
series back on the right track. This one, unfortunately, is even more forgettable than the sequel.




                                                                                                                     -Jose Prendes
IMAGES
BLOOD
Feast 3 (2009)
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