"I bring hope, dear bloodsucking fiends, in the form of a kick-ass vampire movie that deserves to be praised. ..... lengthy and spectacularly gory survival story as they try to outwit the superhuman demons and stay alive for the month until sunrise." Amateur Porn Star Killer (2007) "I hate to be a dick about it, but this was just awful and painful to sit through. There is nothing harrowing or chilling happening here. This is a movie for psychos, because no regular person could sit through this dull, annoying movie and enjoy it." Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 (2008) "Shane Ryan stars and directs this disturbing peek into the sexual wanderings of a serial rapist and murderer. The movie is presented in a series of snuff clips shot by the killer. AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER 2 is a perfect example of a modern day sex exploitation flick sure to make H.G. Lewis and Friedman proud." Barn of the Naked Dead (1974) "They wander inside and find, to their amazement, a whole bunch of young and not-so-young women tied to the walls with chains. Before they have a chance to react, Andre shows up and forces the girls to join his collection.He also keeps a cougar or something like that in a cage, and uses it to torture the girls that misbehave, or try to escape. There is also a mutant freak wandering around the property that might or might not be Andre's dad, and he ends up killing lots of the girls." Bloodletting (1997) "Here we have a serial killer romantic drama heavily influenced by Quentin Tarantino’s unique storytelling style – they even mention him in the movie. The story is fresh and the acting is much better than what you’d expect on one of these shot on video low budget projects. If you tolerate low budget video and like serial killers then you must treat yourself to this." Blood Diner (1987) "Now, led by their brain-in-a-jar uncle, the boys prepare to construct a body for Sheetar from the multiple corpses of loose women. a hooker gets her head deep-fried, to the rival vegetarian restaurant owner's fixations with a creepy Mexican ventriloquist dummy." Blood Feast (1963) "So he limps across town killing young women and stealing their body parts to cook in a stew in honor of Ishtar. With “BLOOD FEAST” directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis, the godfather of gore and produced by David Friedman, gore films were born."
"The thing that really killed the film for me was the obnoxious humor which was totally dumb. It was like Jar Jar Binks in Episode one. I have always asked myself why filmmakers ruin horror sequels by turning them into horror comedies. Please, no more of this." Blood Seekers (1971) "With a name like “BLOOD SEEKERS” you’d think you’d be in for a bloody treat. Then you find out it’s a tame Philippine horror film from the ’71 which plays more like a dumb murder mystery, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a drop of blood. The movie was actually filmed entirely in the Philippines in the early sixties in black and white." Blood Song (1982) "The killer is played by Frankie Avalon (yeah, the same one you're thinking of from all those beach party movies) and he is as believable a killer as Sammy Davis Jr. would be. He gets mad whenever someone touches his flute, because his daddy made it for him and it’s very delicate. This felt like a family drama more than a kill fest. " Bloodstained Romance (2009) "What begins as a stalker romance actually turns out to be a character study of Holden, the character played by a promising Chris Burchette. Set in college, Holden is crazily attracted to a fellow student named Sadie. Perhaps that she is pretty was enough to make him fall in love, other than that, the reason for his obsession is not clear. ...The climax builds when he breaks into Sadie’s house. He tortures her housemate by knife while she was taking a shower. ...He tortures the boyfriend by drilling a power tool into his knees." Blood of the Zombie (1961) "Directed by Barry Mahon who's idea of directing is filming everything in a wide shot, this old-fashioned voodoo zombie movie plays more like a Southern chamber drama than an all-out zombie romp. The last twenty minutes are entertaining with yellow-faced Jonas wandering around, killing, or trying to kill, women." Boston Strangler, The (1968) A mad man, played surprisingly well by Tony Curtis, is on the loose strangling women. Possessing a split personality, De Salvo manages to trick his way into the apartments of unsuspecting women, strangles them violently, then leaves and goes about his day as if nothing happened. Brotherhood of Satan, The (1971) It turns out a coven of old people satanists have set up shop in town, and are stealing children for a dastardly purpose. I was riveted from beginning to end, trying to figure out what was going on, and how it would all come to an end. This film was surprisingly good. The Burning (1981) Let me start off by saying that this is a blatant rip-off of “FRIDAY THE 13th“. Some people say it’s better than “FRIDAY THE 13th” and has bloodier killings. I think they each have their charm. Breasts are always a plenty in any bonafide slasher and this one is no exception. The characters are goofy and fun in this movie. We mostly have pranksters and horny guys. The girls are mainly teases. Cannibal Campout (1988) My conception on the limits of gore in films was raped hard, until I loved it. During one scene I slid across the floor to the TV. and praised the images on the screen like a pagan idol. Remember when I told you that she was pregnant ? And there are three hungry cannibals present. You do the math. The final act of violence is so horrendous you might feel guilty and dirty for watching it. But that has worn off on me. Cellar Dweller (1988) Jeffrey Combs as a cartoonist that unleashes a demon through his drawings, which leads to his fiery demise as well as the demon's (or so we think). I'd have to say the Dweller ranks right up there on my top ten favorite monsters list. Cheerleader Camp (1987) Welcome to Camp Hurrah where lame, hollow, stereotypical characters wind up in goofy situations, talk nonsense and are killed in rather boring fashion.... the fat dude and the other man-cheer-leader give us a somewhat lengthy rap introduction to cheer up the squad. Chilling, The (1989) "The worst thing about the whole thing is how cheap the zombies look. From faraway they look great, but when they get closer you realize that their eye sockets are frozen and its just a bunch of kids in creased, low-rent rubber masks from the Halloween store." Christmas Evil (1980) "Yes, this movie IS one of the many “man in a Santa suit killer” films, but apart from that the story is as rich, complex, and intriguing as any psychological horror film out there. ...Poor Harry then has flashbacks of his over-sexed parents making love in inopportune moments, when Harry is watching." C.H.U.D. (1984) The movie would have been a bleak unwatchable disaster if it wouldn’t have been for the fact that the bums mutate into grotesque killers. There is a scene where George’s wife is taking a shower (no gifts here ) and when she reaches down to unclog the shower drain her naked body is splattered with blood when the drain spits it out . I always enjoy seeing blood on a woman. Clawed: The Legend of Sasquatch (2005) If it’s about Bigfoot, it‘s gotta be bad, right? Considering we can’t even get any good proof they exist, the movies can’t be good either? Right? Well you know this might surprise you. Color me Blood Red (1965) Soon enough Sorg discovers that he likes to paint with blood instead of red paint. And wouldn't you believe it that the work he does in blood wins him great acclaim. We are tortured by scenes of playful, innocent 60’s teen frolic complete with marshmallow and weenie roast.
"Yes, this is a film about a middle-aged serial killer cowboy who walks around spewing western clichés like it’s nobody’s business. He engages in thoughtful conversation with most of his deceased victims, carrying on some psychotic fantasy where he is the hero. Nobody seems to understand or like him but that’s ok because he’s going to shoot you regardless." Creature (1985) "If you come in expecting a sci-fi masterpiece to rival Alien, you won't find it. But if you are bored on a rainy saturday afternoon and catch this flick on TV, then grab yourself some popcorn and a soda, my friend, because you will actually have a pretty fun time. It ain't classic sci-fi, but it's classic b-movie fluff in all its gory glory." Creeping Terror, The (1964) "The overall CREEPING TERROR experience was one of fun boredom. Jose and I have had many talks on the worst of the worst painful to watch B movies. I knew it was going to be cheesy and lame but sometimes a lowly, silly movie can really make your day." Critters (1986) Just when you thought it was safe to live in a small, Midwestern town, in come those prickly little buggers, The Critters! Also, they can form into these balls & roll around @ high speeds! Careful, "they eat so fast, you don't have time to scream!"
"The script is weak, and fails to deliver the town full of zombie people we were expecting and just relegates the "action" to a small farm house. . The effects were nice though. There were some excellent splat-tastic images, but beyond that we get a half-baked story with no room to spread out."
" ... it is revealed that bite on his hand has mutated his hand into a snake. Did you know that snakes can scream when they are being hit by a guitar? Did you also know that when you mutate into a snake you become quite the jerk?"
"This is the perfect example of a b-movie. It may not be flawless, but it is wild, irreverent, hilarious, gory, ridiculous, and just plain old-fashioned fun. Could have used some boobies though, and there were so many golden opportunities, too!"
"I am not kidding when I say this is the reddest and wettest alien movie I have ever seen. Who would have imagined that an alien invasion would take place during a rainy day? I would have figured a dark and stormy night, but the daytime setting somehow makes everything play out realistically. THIS FILM IS A MASTERPIECE! Go buy it!" Demonwarp (1988) "What do you get when you mix a wacky, fun horror movie plot with tons of great nudity, tons of fun gore gags, tons of monster action, Michelle Bauer, alien demons, explosions, shower scenes and nary a drop of boredom? Well, my splatter-hungry friends, you get a golden coffin winner. Demons of Ludlow, The (1983) "...the leader of the "demons", or pirate ghosts (ghost pirates??) is actually a sickly little girl that appears here and there to look around at stuff. Actually, most of this movie is people blundering around in the dark, walking around for no good reason at all, and looking at stuff. Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978) "The dog realizes Maria is the stereotypically religious Spanish lady, so he causes her to catch fire and watches her burn to death. No one suspects the dog. Why would they? As far as demon dog movies go however, this is pretty tame stuff, but it's great Saturday night fun and who says you need gore when you have Kim Richards!" Devil Times Five (1974) "Let's face it, psycho kids are scarier than some grown up retard in a mask. This little known picture about such a subject is one of the best cinematic examples of such a situation. Plus, there's a great seducing-the-retard scene that leads to some heavy rabbit feeding (watch the movie to see what I mean) and some nice boobage." Don't go in the Woods (1981) The plot is as simple as can be. Four dumbass campers, two guys and two girls, go into the woods (which we already know by the title is a bad idea) and get hunted and killed by a reject from "THE HILLS HAVE EYES". Dracula, Bram Stoker's (1992) This multi-colored, psychedelic, comic book version of Dracula was not sweet to the taste. Then he implies a pretentious poetic wave with the whole love story nonsense. Towards the end the film tried to portray Dracula’s human nature but it was much too late.
What I will say is that the last twenty minutes packs in a late night visit to a graveyard, flying guys, evil handkerchiefs, possessed goats, a wicked mud bath, and a fucking fantastic EC comics-style twist. This has everything we could have hoped for from Raimi and more. Driller Killer, The (1979) These characters feel so real that it makes you want to step back from the television cause you could almost smell their un-bathed stench and drown in their life of hopelessness. Reno has no money for food, drugs or psychiatric help, and on top of that one of his women is thinking of leaving him. Faces of Death (1978) When I was in my elementary school days and VHS was king “FACES OF DEATH” was the ultimate scandalous treasure to young curious minds. The infamous monkey meal scene is shown intact and it’s real as far as I know. The varied work on decomposing corpses in the med school is pure disgust and horror. I cannot overstate how disgusting this film makes me feel. FEAST (2005) "I love this movie! I simply love it. There is a ton of blood and puss and guts and monster semen galore, making this one of the most splatterific movies on this website. The writing is sharp, the direction is spot on, and the actors are great." Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008) "This ragtag bunch of unlikable characters spend the entire film hiding out from the monsters, who you barely get a chance to see. Not that everything has to make sense, mind you, but it certainly slowed the action down to focus on girls getting shit on and sprayed with monster cum. The biker chicks get naked, Greg drops a baby on it's head to distract the monsters and get away from them, the catapult thing doesn't pay off, and finally the monsters flood the rooftop...I am very glad I didn't buy it, because I would have felt incredibly pissed off if I had." Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009) "How can a movie promise so much, then slap you in the face with a big old "SCREW YOU!" at the end? We don't get any kind of back-story on these monsters and none of these characters develop or do sane things for that matter. I'd be fine with that, if the film offered something new for them to do." FleshEater (1988) ...a group of teenagers that go on a hay-ride around a farming community and plan to spend Halloween night there, drinking beer, smoking weed, having sex, and getting killed out in the woods. We even get a good look at her pie. If you don’t know what a pie is, well you probably shouldn't be reading this. Ghoul School (1990) Anyway, there is plenty of gruesome stuff (even if on a budget), as students and teachers are torn limb from limb by the painted-blue zombies, and there's a fun axe-to-the-groin gag. You can tell it's a gore movie from gore fans, and they take the time to get the splatter elements just right on their budget.
"Despite the fact that this film gets 1 coffin, Writer/Director Justin Paul Ritter's sophomore effort shows just how talented the underground filmmaker really is. All in all, the film looks great (visually) but the insides have been over-cooked." Grizzly (1976) Meanwhile, the grizzly targets a ranger by toppling a watchtower on him, and severely mutilates a little boy by ripping his leg off with fantastically gory results. In the end, they finally confront the bear and the ridiculously explosive conclusion is hard to believe, but satisfying no less. This may not be high-quality popcorn, but I promise that you'll be smiling, you son of a bitch.
"The movie I am about to discuss is memorable for two things. One is the shish-kabob through the mouth (just like in the poster) and the ridiculous double- twist ending that throws the film into the realm of preposterousness. This is a beloved slasher film, so I was more surprised than anyone that upon revisiting the material I was so turned off by it." Haunting, The (1963) If Hitchcock were to make a ghost picture, this would be it, but it would have been much more spooky and more real tension. The few spooky scenes leave much to be desired . After so much build up the end is incredibly poor. Hazing, The (1977) Rod and Phil instruct Craig and Barney to strip naked and put on a jock strap. Sure it was light, and moderately suspenseful, but it was a good time, and sports one hell of a kick in the balls at the end (kind of like prison)! Headless Eyes, The (1971) "The film climaxes with a long-as-hell (which can be read as boring-as-hell and pointless) chase through the boring, depressing streets of New York. Directed by Jason Bateman's dad Kent and one of the first films released straight-to-vhs, this obscure as hell picture takes places in the hellhole known as New York."
" ... each character is interesting and complex although the film is fairly simple. Michael Rooker’s performance is outstanding and John McNaughton’s directing is powerful. One feels immersed in their world of desperation and violence." I Am Legend (2007) Smith plays Robert Neville, a military virologist who is apparently the only person immune to a virus that began as a cure for cancer and ended up destroying the world. The wild animals are CGI, the mutants are CGI, the city has to be CGI so I won't fault them on that, but man they sure love their CGI.
"It has a boring 20 minute set up (boring only because you want them to get to the revenge stuff already), but then the film delivers the sleazy, grimy, grindhouse goods. The rape scenes are distasteful and grim and the revenge is sweet. Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976) ". . . the pulse-enriching nadir of the film comes as a “syphilitic beggar” (Buck Flower) is allowed to “torture” Ilsa, who has been stripped naked and had her wrists and ankles tethered to upright posts. As for other dank pleasures, did I mention that Ilsa has devised a vaginal diaphragm device that, once inserted deeply, explodes during vigorous (and I do mean vigorous) sexual activity? Well, she did; and uses it twice in the film."
"The whole film is unfortunately lacking any kind of energy, making it torturous to watch overall, which is why it was a great choice for an MST3K episode. Full of bizarre shots, inappropriate music cues, and appearing as cheap and low-rent as can be..." Isle of the Damned (2008) “ISLE OF THE DAMNED” is a spoof on 80’s Italian cannibal movies and it’s chock full of bloody nostalgia. In the movie a fat treasure hunter named Thompson hires Jack Steele, a tough P.I. with a deep black guy’s voice to help him in his quest for the lost treasure of Marco Polo, and off course the treasure lies on an island full of cannibals. It's Alive (1974) "It feels like a freaky television movie of the week. You never see the baby killing anyone, instead there’s a lot of him in attack mode. You truly felt as spooked out as those parents having just given birth to a monster. So just come into this movie for a good horror drama instead of a monster massacre and you’ll be all right." It's Alive 2: It Lives Again (1978) "I absolutely hated everything about this movie. They have already established that these are not real human babies, they are animalistic killing machines disguised as babies. But fuck yes, that thing is dead. I might not have nightmares tonight. Nightmares of boredom and death." Last House on Dead End Street, The (1977) "The characters aren't likable, in fact if you're like me, you'll hate every single one of them, so you don't really mind seeing any of them die. That being said, one thing this movie does have going for it is shock value. The final scenes are a blood bath, and are actually done pretty convincingly, considering how little money was probably spent on it." Leprechaun (1993) He then steals a toy car, just his size and drives it on the street. He gets pulled over by a cop and kills him. But not before playing the most unbearably annoying game of hide and go seek. But alas, have we forgotten that the leprechaun is greedy and one last coin rests in the belly of Ozzy. What you think and I hoped would happen doesn’t (the leprechaun carving the fat retards stomach with his dirty nails in search of the coin.) Leprechaun 2 (1994) This time we find out that his birthday is on St. Patrick’s day (I could have never guessed) and that on every thousand birthday he is able to seek out a bride. Morty, self proclaimed drinking master challenges the Leprechaun to a drinking contest at a bar. At first he declines but when the pressure is on and a group of midgets start cheering for him saying: “One of us…” he starts chugging bottle after bottle Leprechaun 3 (1995) "In this one the setting is Las Vegas and with it’s flashing lights and colorful characters your carried through the mess relatively unharmed…relatively. ...the Leprechaun is hiding in the room and makes an unattractive topless blonde who comes out of a television set seduce him. Now if that wasn‘t weird enough the blonde girl turns into a metal robot and electrocutes the horny bastard. You see the craziest things in direct to video horror flicks !" Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997) "A dim-wit marine pees on the remains of the Leprechaun and by magic the Leprechaun enters up through his urine stream into his urethra, later to be released when he has a painful erection back on the ship and gives “male birth” to the green midget." Long Island Cannibal Massacre, The (1980) This is extremely low budget stuff with no real actors and unpolished gritty footage. So Jack hires Bruce, a man that always wears a pillowcase and swimming goggles over his head and Zed, a young biker to kill victims for the hungry lepers. Mausoleum (1983) "This 1983 possession-by-demon classic is slow, plotless, and drags like a lame dog, but there are some great boobies in it from former Playboy bunny Bobbie Bresee. The film does get my respect for proudly displaying a pair of rabid, snarling demon boobs; John Carl Buechler works his effects magic indeed." Messiah of Evil (1973) “…we soon find out that the town is under some kind of curse because a man in a black hat walked into town one day and did some crazy shit, then cursed the town and promised that whenever the moon would turn blood red he would return. I think the film suffers terrible from a lack of energy. For most of the film the characters sit around with nothing to do.”
"Donald has developed a sort of sex fetish where in order to enjoy sex, which he craves now after almost 2 decades of none, he has to devour the body afterwards. Forget the microwave, forget logic. Donald is a perverted and disturbed man who should be killed."
"The truth is that this is basically a Texas Chainsaw ripoff, plain and simple, and it's a suck-ass one, too. The most annoying thing is the constant use of their one and only bullshit garbage theme song. The film is slow, the acting is atrocious, the direction is lazy, and the script is boring." Midnight Meat Train, The (2008) "This movie was directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, and those who have seen his masterpiece "VERSUS" will be disappointed in the pedestrian way he directs the film. His approach is more American than usual, and he does almost nothing to infuse the film with the crazy kinetic energy of his earlier films."
"This is the worst ghost movie ever! It runs like a Lifetime movie of the week with a ghost theme. It has that soap opera feel and ultra cheap ghost effects. I hated this movie. I don’t understand how your sweet 17yr old sister can show up at your house one day and seduce your husband and steal your money and jewels by nightfall." Mother's Day (1980) Essentially, this film is a rip-off (homage) to “TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE” ...After bonding in classic chick-flick fashion, the girls are kidnapped by the boys and are summarily tied up, tied down, and made to entertain mother.
"The film is slick and polished looking, probably much more professional looking than the name and poster would have you believe. But the plotting is the lead weight lump that drags the film down. The acting is below average for most of the cast, and we don't care a lick about any of them."
"Yes this film had an annoying bunch of teens eating shit and getting drunk, but it still gets 3 coffins because the killer was fantastic. Every time he killed one of those sour patch kids I cheered, and that's what a slasher movie should make you do." Night of the Creeps (1986) By a weird twist of fate, they come across the preserved body of the boy who swallowed the slugs, and free him. Now unfrozen, the boy is your basic zombie, only with an alien slug in his brain. He terrorizes some girls and then his head explodes and dozens of little slugs wriggle off to begin the takeover of earth. Night of the Living Dead (1968) In the first ten minutes we have ourselves a zombie attack and a frantic woman running for shelter. If Harry was a strong as Ben these two brutes would have had a hell of a battle while the zombies watched outside...A.brilliant scene where Harry’s kid has turned into a zombie and attacks him.
"There is another scene where the doctors confer with a computer about George's whereabouts, and the utter retardedness of that scene hurts. They simply type in questions (like "Where is George?") and the computer, obviously being some type of sentient god, answers them accurately." One Missed Call (2008) Well, they receive a mysterious phone call and when they don't recognize the number or ringtone, they leave it alone which leaves them with one missed call. Get it? Pretty clever title, huh? Anyway, there is always a voicemail left and when they check it, it is basically their last seconds of life being played out. Phantasm (1979) The ‘tall man’ is from another dimension and he is recruiting our dead corpses and turning them into midget slaves to work for him in his dimension. . And now everyone’s favorite: the flying polished steel orb that sucks blood from you head ! Phantasm II (1988) The “Tall Man” is back with an army of ugly midgets and half a dozen brain-sucking spheres. By the way there’s a sweet chainsaw battle where the villain gets the chainsaw to the balls. Ouch! It was messy and painful. Phantasm III Lord of the Dead (1994) Tim, a ten year old has spent his time booby -trapping his house and learning to defend himself, even using handguns... we find out that there is a miniature brain inside the spheres. Then we are slow to believe that Jody, who has apparently not been shrunk into a ghoul exists inside a sphere and comes out to help in visions of some kind? Phantasm IV Oblivion (1998) Flashback after hallucination, after flashback… Please become familiar with this cycle for it pervades through the ENTIRE film. A bit later he learns telekinesis; practicing by crushing midget minions with boulders. His brother shows up as a travel guide through different dimensions.
"The story is about a fast food franchise (American Chicken Bunker) that builds a restaurant upon a sacred Indian burial ground. When I say bad I mean films that are made hurried, with no talent and no heart. I consider myself a B film connoisseur but I won’t tolerate a film without heart."
"I would have liked to see better monster characterization. Yes folks even monsters need to be richly developed in order to be effective. Henriksen was great, the monster was decent but sadly the idea, which had so much potential, was left to wither and choke." Quiet Nights of Blood and Pain (2009) "The kills are so plastic and flavorless that it doesn’t even seem like your watching a horror film or a thriller. Sure, there’s blood, but Id be more entertained by watching the fat girl menstruate on a pillow." Redeemer Son of Satan, The (1978) The little boy appears in the room and gives the man an extra thumb on his right hand. That's right, folks, you read that right, an extra thumb! Thumbs-up kid meets the priest outside before boarding the bus, and we notice that the priest has 2 thumbs. Why does he need 2 thumbs? What does that even mean? Rosemary's Baby (1968) On a romantic night Guy, the loving husband gets his wife drunk and drugged so that Satan himself can mate with her. He had made a deal with the witches to swap his firstborn child for a successful career, hoping that Rosemary would understand this in the long run.
"We don’t get to see the actual kills which is annoying. But the film somehow makes up for the lack of onscreen violence by a fully nude shot of Michelle in the shower. Then we find out that they rebuilt Michelle’s face from the wrong photos! Photos of a real, satanic teen girl!"
"If you haven't this film, please do so. It's a horror film, it's science fiction, and it is a compelling spy thriller all rolled into one! More science gone wrong fiction than pure horror, like almost all of his ( Cronenberg) other films, this one plays almost exactly like James Bond with psychic powers."
"The effects are unimpressive until the ending, when things really start getting juicy. But combine the limp storytelling, the dragging plot, the dopey characters, and the lack of nasty, gory effects until the end and you get two coffins for this unimpressive sequel...and that's being nice."
"This movie manages to deliver, two mainstays of 90s cinema: Karate and lasers. This is a true sequel because it manages to really use the Scanners power to its maximum potential, while delivering a plausible next chapter. One of the great things about this installment is that it isn't afraid to show us boobs." Scarecrow (2002) Lester feels wronged and overlooked with a low self esteem because he lives in a cramped trailer with a whoring drunk of a mother that brings men to the house every other day. He flips and jumps around swinging and killing with Kama blade in each hand. Scarecrow Slayer (2003) "A couple of college kids arrive at the farm at night and as part of a sorority initiation they must steal the scarecrow in the field. The whole thing goes horribly wrong when Caleb shoots one of the kids, David, for trespassing. David’s spirit is caught in the scarecrow and the movie continues to be lame and stupid."
" ... monsters who have lost all reasoning are even scarier because of their unpredictability. This unpredictability, the bloody deaths, and the breathless pace make this a film to be studied. Ultimately, the film proves my point. Monkeys are scary, violent psychopaths. Don't fuck with monkeys!" Signal. The (2007) "Almost immediately, people start bashing the hell out of each other. They stab, punch, shoot, and massacre the ones they love for no apparent reason except the unexplainable rage coursing through them. This was probably the goriest, most intense horror film I have seen in a long while. It is entirely engrossing, brutal, and edge-of-your-seat fun. If it had had nudity, it would have been a golden coffin winner for sure." Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) "One Christmas eve, Billy, who is around 6 years old and his baby brother Ricky, who is 6 months old, watch as their parents are raped and killed by a drunken thief in a Santa Claus outfit. They end up in an orphanage where they see a nun have sex. Then Billy grows up into an awkward muscle-bound goon. This is the kind of slasher film that helped define the word “slasher film”. Along with HALLOWEEN and BLACK CHRISTMAS, this film (which is sadly often forgotten) helps establish the rules of the game for the slasher genre. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987) “Perfect! We’ll have Billy’s crazy brother Ricky recap the first film in its entirety for 50 minutes and then make up some random crap for the end when he goes on a shooting spree, which will include three or so other cast members!” “No. Why would that be boring? People loved the first one and they’ll love to see it again."
"The doctors have managed to save Ricky Caldwell's life by reconstructing his brain (funny, I didn't know being shot in the chest affected your brain) and replacing the top of his head with a glass dome, some purple juice, and some small do-dads with green lights in the back."
"This movie has nothing to do with the rest of the series. The funny thing is that this film is titled Bugs in the U.K., which would make sense seeing as it really is about a cult of female-empowering giant bug worshipers."
"I don't know whether it was the heavy and retarded Pinocchio metaphors or the scene with the stupid rocket roller skates or the creepy pedophile stalker being Derek's dad or the overall impression of shoddiness that makes me sick. " Simon, King of the Witches (1971) This one, however, was written by a real warlock, and attempts to show a day in the life of an actual, practicing magician. ... who lives in a sewer (yes, a SEWER), and walks around LA looking for people to pay him for magic tricks. Basically, he's a magic hooker. After making the kid jerk off in a tin can to perform a spell that gains him the love of an old lady, they become fast friends. Sleepaway Camp (1983) "Welcome to camp Arawak, it’s not as popular as Camp Crystal Lake but I like it better. Do yourself a favor and go see this movie. People have been talking about the ending for years. Yes it’s that good!" Stanley (1972) "STANLEY" is the story of a Vietnam vet named Tim who lives a hermit's life in a shack deep in the swamps. His only company is a shit load of snakes that he's caught and befriended. It turns out Gloria is biting the heads off of the snakes Tim brings, so he drops a hundred snakes on her and her husband's bed."
"You may have all heard of the dick tossing scene and the cool Viper drink but you’re in for so much more. You get the whole homeless experience. All the characters are dirty bums, I can smell them from here. This is some nitty gritty shit we are talking about!"
"Welcome my friends to a poorly thought-out , yet somehow interesting yarn about a farm boy who thinks he may be a killer and the beautiful women he may have killed. They start seeing each other and Billy wants her to spend the weekend at his farmhouse, to show her the beauty of nature. He (Pa) keeps her hidden someplace in the house and kills Billy’s guests to feed Ma." The Thrill Killers (1964) "This movie's group of thrill killers was so believably crazy that I actually found myself on the edge of my seat because, as we all know, crazy people can do anything. Though the film does have an odd structure, it delivers solid entertainment...this film pops and zigs and zags and takes you an wonderful ride." Track of the Moon Beast (1976) He becomes a half-man half-tyrannosaurs Rex and attacks three men camping in the woods, ripping one man's arm off and slashing another's face to ribbons, leaving the third barely alive. This is actually a pretty good movie. Troll (1986) "It’s (Troll) a classic fantasy film produced by Charles Band, who started Full Moon Entertainment. It is a very simple movie but it has whacky moments, great special effects and makeup and a genuine fantasy touch. It takes you back to the glorious eighties." Troll 2 (1990) [See European Horror]
So now we have our two thousand maniac ghosts with ghost town and everything. They lure in northern tourists to the town and warp their minds into thinking their the guests of honor but instead, secretly they are preparing gruesome torture games for their own amusement. Video Dead, The (1987) "The zombies, seeing that they aren't being treated like monsters, take her up on her friendly offer and they all sit down to a nice, relaxing dinner together. Then she coaxes them into the basement to have a dance party (a fucking dance party!!!!)..." Video Violence... When Renting is not Enough (1987) "One morning, while sorting through the pile of returned tapes they find what appears to be a homemade snuff tape. I can’t end this review without saying how great the gore was and how well it mingled with the creepy story. There is a lot of cheap blood and some good boobies." Video Violence 2 (1987) "I was amazed at the construction of this movie - at how well the theme (splatter films) held the film together. The gore gags are super cheap but the fun is grade A. There is plenty of blood and boobs and the sadistic town itself is the perfect beast." Visiting Hours (1982) "This is as solid as slasher films come, and it works as a dark, psychological serial killer film, too. Colt never says a word, either. He is a cold and calculating killer determined to finish off his prey like a shark, or Michael Myers without the Captain Kirk mask." Weasels Rip my flesh (1979) "...so horrible, so unbelievably inept and god-awful that you wouldn't even make your worst enemy sit through it. So the shit shark weasel and the shit-squid weasel man are fighting it out in the most asinine way possible and they manage to kill themselves. Hooray!"
"My primary concerns are carnal. Where are the topless, sleazy Texan girls? Why only a few good gore scenes, merely seconds? Dale has the rotten luck of hiring a horny Mexican guy named Mario to look after her (his invalid wife), feed her, wipe her drool…oh yeah and feel her up when Dale is not looking." Witchcraft (1988) "I would have easily gotten bored or fallen asleep if it wasn’t for the fact that I was waiting for some boobies that never came. But it’s not utterly hopeless. The mansion looked good and the acting was pretty good too but this really wasn’t in the least bit scary.
"We have the beautiful Delia Sheppard playing the temptress and she graces us with a peek at her lovely boobies. Delia Sheppard really carries the film though. Her acting was a little better than the rest but her curves were just what the doctor ordered. This is not a great movie but this is your classic B movie material." Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death (1991) "This movie starts to stray from being a true sequel to being an independent supernatural piece including the character of William. The Stocton mythology is barely touched upon and the focus now is on a new villain. Feels like an episode of Supernatural or Angel only worse quality and much stupider." Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992) "This was just plain awful. A dull story with no energy or intensity, coupled with a cast of hideously bad actors, makes this probably the worst Witchcraft movie ever, and they don't even practice any witchcraft in this movie!!!! If Julie Strain wasn't in this, it would have been a solid red coffin.
"This is definitely their top-heaviest film yet, and I can only imagine that the boob count rises or at least stays the same for the rest of the series. At least I'll have nipples to look forward to, because Will Spanner is a terrible main character and I could care less about his lame ass, anti-climactic adventures."
"A serial killer is killing women and Will Spanner is brought in to solve the case somehow, only to find out that the occult is vaguely connected to it. Character development, tight plotting, and acting skills are not in this movie's bag of tricks. The biggest surprise, however, is the inclusion of some much-needed humor..."
"This has to be the funniest and most entertaining Witchcraft I have seen. I love the fact how they can just start up a sex scene anywhere for any reason, and some of them are quite clever and original. I congratulate the writers for sneaking them in as best as they could."
"I have nothing positive to say about this film. This film isn’t good for anything. It’s not scary, erotic, or funny. Don’t engage this movie in particular unless you are a seasoned movie masochist!"
"Sheila goes down to the basement and sees a satanic room with a hooded druid mumbling some prayers. Meanwhile Spanner sees a guy butt-fucking Kelly through the window. Wait a second, it’s not another guy…it’s Spanner! That’s right, there are two Spanners now!"
[See European Horror]
"Molly’s father was a burly sea captain with a beard. We see him raping his daughter through flashbacks. She relates sex with death since her father died on top of her (of a heart attack) during intercourse." Wizard of Gore, The (1970) "The gore is fresh, cheap and abundant. Montag likes to play with the bloody bits of intestine, liver, brain matter and anything else that he extracts from your body during the show. Now we are never really sure if Montag has hypnotized the audience or if this is real, or a dream? The movie likes to keep us guessing up till the end." Wizard of Gore, The (2007) "Montag's act revolves around the murder of a naked woman, which is then revealed to be just an illusion as the people flee from their seats. So far so good right? But days after the show, the girls that "died" in the show start showing up dead...exactly like they died in Montag's show. They had a great idea, and they decided to shit on it by trying to make a mind-fuck movie, which only ends up pissing the audience off." Zombiegeddon (2003) "Most filmmakers nowadays start out like Chris Watson did. He grabbed a video camera and got a couple of his friends together to make a zombie movie. Lloyd "TROMA" Kaufman even makes an appearance as the wacky janitor...zombie action and madness ensues." |
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