Jose comes to me saying he has this amazingly crappy movie he wants to show me and of course I watch it with glee. Little did I know that upon second viewing, in preparation for this review, I would be literally pulling my hairs out. Birdemic is the brainchild of Vietnamese film buff James Nguyen, who’s left me in shock and terror with his rampant love of conserving the ecology.

Before this small coastal town in San Jose, California can become ravaged by freak bird attacks we have to patiently witness the budding romance between Rod, a software salesman with higher, more ecology friendly, aspirations and Nathalie, an unassuming fashion model with a tight little body. Nguyen wastes no opportunity to litter the film with eco-propaganda. Rod drives a plug-in hybrid car, is planning on installing solar panels on his roof and his friend complains about a heat wave in the winter while playing basketball. News reports also mention flocks of birds found dead somewhere and wildfires. After monetary success within their respective jobs, the new couple take time to deepen their relationship. Yet again we are forced to watch these two unexciting people get to know each other through meeting Nathalie’s mother, boring dinner dates and nights out on the town, where the topic of conversation is as much about Rod’s new green tech startup business as other romantic topics. 38 minutes in we get our first real horror tease when the pair stumble upon a CG bird carcass at the seashore. Eventually they have sex in a motel room, which is odd considering they both have nice homes, and that night the bird apocalypse begins!

Overnight, the small town becomes infested with killer CG eagles (why eagles?) and people start dying. It appears that all the bird graphics were added in post production by inept CGI wizards, most probably grade-schoolers with Photoshop. The CG birds are so poorly incorporated into the film they appear as existing in a parallel dimension or glued on to the video footage. In several scenes it looks like either the eagles are dropping bombs or exploding in mid-air, neither of which makes any sense! When the fowl creatures drop their guard, Rod and his girlfriend team-up with another couple in a nearby room, Ramsey and Becky, and head out to their van. The menacing birds float in their foreground, whistling nastily, but otherwise not doing much really at this point. Ramsey breaks out assault rifles for added security. They continue in the vehicle, occasionally blasting off some freak birds that get too close. They stop to rescue a couple of kids who’s parents had been killed by the birds. At this point I don’t know what would actually hurt more: the lackluster robotic acting of the cast or a million diseased birds pecking at my face.

Our gang of heroes stop at a picnic area for lunch with supplies acquired at a convenience store. There they meet up with Doctor Jones who lays down the first overt, lengthy segment of eco-preaching. When asked why the eagles decided to attack humanity he claims that the birds are dead from "bird flu virus" (zombie birds then?) and that global warming is to blame for causing such viral diseases. Jones goes on to say that "the human species needs to quit playing cowboy with nature and be more like astronauts", whatever the hell that means. The group politely listen to the crazy man, nod and go on their way. They leave him behind because he loves birds and doesn’t need anyone’s help. Later when they stop so that the girls can go to the bathroom in the woods a renegade bird swoops by and kills Becky, just as she’s squatting with toilet paper in hand. They are left with no choice but to push ahead and mourn their loss on the road. They decide to make a dangerous stop to try and help some people trapped in a tour bus when without warning a flock of birds ambush the people, dousing them with a burst of explosive yellow diarrhea which is highly corrosive. Ramsay is among the casualties.

We are left with Rod, Nathalie and the two children. They head towards a creek in hope of a fresh water supply. There, they encounter a hippie that lives in a tree house in the surrounding forest. He enlightens us with the second overt (thankfully not so lengthy) segment of eco-preaching. He also refuses to tag along, despite the dangers, claiming that the trees are his family and he has to protect them from lumberjacks or something like that. He takes a minute to explain yet again the dangers of global warming and it’s effects on tree bark. After saying goodbye Rod and his friends have run out of gas and food but just as all hope is lost, to his surprise he finds a fishing pole and a stove in the van’s trunk. He goes down to the beach to fetch dinner while Nathalie and the kids gather seaweed. They manage to cook a splendid fish and seaweed supper to what the young boy exclaims: "Yuck! I want a happy meal!". The four of them watch as the last remaining eagles fly far away towards the open horizon. Inexplicable. The End.

The preachy themes running through the film do not bother me as much as the atrocious acting and the god awful CGI. What at first glance should appear funny quickly becomes hopelessly depressing. I was going to say here that if you can stomach the first 48 minutes of story development then your in for a wild cheesy schlock fest to rival anything you have ever seen. Sadly that statement is the farthest thing from the truth. The build up story before the birds of death swoop in and totally devastate the film is akin to severe stomach confusion after feasting at a seedy Mexican buffet. The pitiful CG menace combined with the sluggish wooden acting really butchers the movie and any intentions Nguyen might have had at making this picture informative or at the least entertaining. The only two things I did enjoy were the obviously unintentional sarcasm in the dialogue and the concept of a world in ecological decay coming to such a horrible outcome. There’s talk of a sequel but I’ll stay far away from that.

- Jorge Antonio Lopez