Almost done with my bunch of Children flicks, and after part 5, I was hoping they would continue to get better, but I was wrong. The 6th (or should I say 666th) installment wants to be a direct sequel to the original film by resurrecting the creepy Isaac, who led the first batch of children in praise of He Who Walks Behind The Rows (by now, you should guess I am going to abbreviate this later). But at this point, so late into a series that inexplicably still makes money, no one really cares about Isaac...as much as Isaac does.

It is 19 years later and this entry should have been titled The Children of The Children of the Corn, because that's what it's all about. Scrappy cutie Hannah (played by Natalie Ramsey) arrives in what's left of the town of Gatlin, Nebraska to find her birth mother. All she knows for sure is that she was born in the Gatlin hospital and that becomes her first stop. Here we meet the town doc, Dr. Michaels (played by a weary Stacy Keach, far from his Long Riders days), a crazy guy who has magic disappearing/reappearing powers, a suave greaser named Gabriel, and the one and only cop in town, a feisty red head named Cora. Oh, yeah, and Isaac (reprised by John Franklin, 19 years older) didn't die in the original, he's actually been in a coma since then and she just so happens to run into his comatose body. She decides to touch him from some unimaginable reason and he springs to life. Hannah flees and tries to get out of town, but she keeps running into trouble. Apparently, she can never leave because the first part of an age-old prophecy has been fulfilled with her arrival. Now that Isaac is awake, H.W.W.B.T.R can do something or other with his help. None of it really makes much sense or is explained fully for that matter.

Hannah meets her mother (played by starving artists Nancy Allen, who is most recognized as Robocop's partner Lewis...and I say starving because I have no idea why she should appear in such dreck, unless she were starving), and she is warned away once again. Apparently, Isaac wants to use her at the strike of midnight for something or other (why is it always at midnight?) to start a perfect race of demon people or something (again, the plot was never fully fleshed out). She is captured, which was obviously going to happen, and is dragged before Isaac. He reveals that she and Isaac's 19 year old son are the first children of the original children of the corn and they must make it because their child is destined to house the soul of H.W.W.B.T.R.... or something. Gabriel comes to her rescue and they hideout (you guessed it) in a barn. There they take a shower with a hose and make it...lucky for her Gabriel isn't the real first child, right?....Oh, you guys are too smart. Gabriel turns out to be, in fact, the actual first born child and has impregnated Hannah. Hannah is, of course, a stupid girl who would let a random guy screw her without protection (in this day and age? yikes!) so she deserves what she gets. Isaac tries to complete the ritual (or something) but Gabriel turns out to actually be H.W.W.B.T.R (which makes absolutely no fucking sense) and he murders Isaac with his magic powers. Hannah frees her trapped mother and they escape...only now the seed of evil grows inside her belly!

Within the first five minutes this movie manages to pack in as many inconsistencies and what-the-fuck moments as other shitty movies have in their entire running time. This mostly involves characters appearing from nowhere and disappearing back to it. Hannah gives a guy a ride after his car left him stranded on the road, and after quoting some bible passages and acting ominous, he vanishes! Also, there's that crazy guy I mentioned that is chasing her up some flights of stairs and she manages to elude him and duck into one of the higher floors. But wouldn't you know it, somehow the crazy guy has beat her to it and is waiting behind the door for her! Moments like these, coupled with Isaac spouting hocus pocus garbage and the unfocused and unappealing adventures of Hannah make this the worst of the series so far (in my humble opinion). The main problem is that there is no one to root for here, because we don't understand what the hell is going on or why its supposed to make sense. Also, there's not as much killing going on here as the last two, and technically there really aren't any "children of the corn" until the very end.

This ultimately comes off as a vanity project because the film was co-written by none other than H.W.W.B.T.R himself! Just kidding, it was co-written by John Franklin, who was probably hoping to relaunch Isaac as they new Freddy Krueger or something, but fails to do so because Isaac is basically a dopey midget with no powers except a bad temper and an awful haircut. It doesn't help that Hannah is an unremarkable character with an almost passive pace throughout the entire film. Also, if you're going to fill your movie with tons of spiritual mumbo jumbo, then let the rest of us in on what the hell you're talking about! Frankly, I am surprised this lackluster script got past the heads at Dimension, but maybe they didn't even care by then. Isaac does return, but like I said at the beginning, no one cares but Isaac. I've got one more stop on this road trip through corn country so stay tuned!

- Jose Prendes