I love a good zombie movie and the 80s were a fertile time for great undead epics. Most of those epics found their way to me direct-to-video style, like this dimly-conceived little film starring Linda Blair's big face and Dan Haggerty's big beard. Years after he moved to the wilderness and changed his name to Grizzly Adam, Haggerty hunkers down with Linda in Kansas (read Los Angeles) to battle the resurrected corpses of the cryogenically frozen. Believe me when I say, plot holes were made for this dense crapsterpiece.

This achingly awful film begins with a botched bank robbery. Why? There is no good reason at all, except to introduces us to the father of the leader, a rich business man named Mr. Davenport (Mr. D from now on). You see Mr. D has just submitted the body of his wife for cryogenic suspension, because it had been her wish that the whole family do it (???). He returns to work to find out that his son is a bloodthirsty bank robber and he has just been shot. He rushes to the hospital to find his son in critical condition and decides to place his son under cryo freeze as well...just in case they discover a cure for bullets. Linda Blair shows up as the assistant to Dr. Miller, played by Troy Donahue who acts like a two-bit theater actor channeling the combined talent of all low-budget b-movie mad scientists everywhere. Linda doesn't fair any better. This is her worst performance ever as the sweetly-retarded secretary with the oblong forehead. Anyway, Mr. D's son, Joe, is frozen and he decides to go split a pizza (!!!) with Linda now that his entire family are popsicles. Did I mention this was all happening on Halloween?

Enter Haggerty as Vince, the big dumb lug of a security guard, who's patches are barely sown onto his uniform. He and his new partner, an impossibly nerdy guy in gigantic glasses, spend Halloween night playing cards and listening to the most ridiculous elevator music on the radio. All is fine and dandy until a storm rolls in and the power goes out in the lab. With the backup generator fried as well, the dumb-as-rocks guards decide to move all the cryo tanks outside! Why? Well, because "its cold outside". So they spend some time with a mini-forklift ruining what can only be considered years of dedicated, scientifically-delicate work by moving the giant metal freezer coffins out into the parking lot. This is about as stupid as you can get already, but to make matters worse lightning strikes the tanks and reanimates the frozen food inside. Guys in crappy rubber zombie masks emerge from the containers and instead of fleeing into the city they break back into the cryogenics warehouse to attack the guards. Haggerty makes it, barely, but the fake-faced zombies slobber over the remains of nerdo the cop. Haggerty places a call to Linda, who has just returned from her "date" with boring, old Mr. D, and her drunk boyfriend doesn't even get a chance to yell at her before she has to rush back to the lab to save the day...or just run around and become another possible victim.

The rest of the film involves the characters running, skulking, searching through the darkened corridors of the zombie-infested lab. In one scene, Linda's drunken boyfriend stumbles into an office and pries a sword (!!!) off of the bare wall, which he proceeds to use as ineffectually as possible. Dr. Miler returns to cover his own ass and destroy information that proves that he was harvesting the organs of the frozen dead and selling them to Mexico, but the zombies catch up to him and stuff him into a tank for a taste of his own medicine. Oh, yeah, remember Joe the bank robber? Well, he's the only zombie without a rubber Halloween mask and he becomes the film's villain/zombie leader for about ten minutes. We soon find out that the only way to kill this particular type of zombie is to re-freeze them. This works for a little bit until the lab inexplicably catches fire and blows up. Linda and her new old man boyfriend survive and as they get into his limo we notice that a zombie is now chauffeuring the car! Part two anyone?....Anyone?

There are so many terrible things about this movie that I have no idea where to begin. The acting throughout was akin to the cast reading their lines very slowly. The plot was retarded and riddled with ridiculous dialogue. Linda Blair, who is no great thespian, comes off as dizty and amateurish. The sound effects are even awful! They sound like a guy slurping near the microphone! The botched robbery scene is hilariously inept in execution and direction...which is pretty much true for this entire awkward mess of a movie. The worst thing about the whole thing is how cheap the zombies look. From faraway they look great, but when they get closer you realize that their eye sockets are frozen and its just a bunch of kids in creased, low-rent rubber masks from the Halloween store. It's really the worst zombie makeup job I've ever seen in a movie because there is no makeup job, just a simple rubber mask and some tinfoil for their cryo uniforms. However, there is one really great gag and that is why this lousy 80s zombie "chiller" gets one coffin. Haggerty saves Linda near the end of the movie by spearing a zombie with a forklift fork and holding it high up in the air while it flails helplessly. This was not only a well done effect, it was wholly unique in the zombie-killingverse and makes this film notable. Other than that, this movie is utterly stupid.

- Jose Prendes