This movie is a complete mess and it is clear that director Lawrence D. Foldes had no clue what he was doing, especially with his script, which he shares credit (or blame) with Linwood Chase. This bizarre little movie is notable for one reason and that is because it supposedly introduces us to a chubby-faced Linnea Quigley, but this is not Linnea's first movie. Her first was the wacky Psycho From Texas.

I am going to try to summarize this movie, so please bare with me. If you fall off, just pick yourself right back up and start again. Or don't, because this movie is a piece of crap and doesn't deserve your attention. But since you're here, and this is my job, then you might as well join me. 12,000 years ago two cavemen are cursed to live forever by some ridiculous-looking old lady for some reason and the only way to release them from the curse is to have a kid, keep her a virgin, and then sacrifice her to evil so they can achieve eternal life...which is what they have already, so it really is completely redundant. The movie replays the scene 44 minutes in to remind us, too! We fast forward (sort of) to 16 years earlier to find the main caveman Gar (played by Crackers Phinn...no joke) on a lady hunt, while his cavewoman Tra wears a black cloak and stalks around the woods with her old, dumb face, which she can make young again by eating the innards of teens.

Anyway, Gar runs into Linnea at a parade that seems to be traveling through the cemetery and follows her home. Then he breaks into her home while she is showering (of which we see nothing!) and scares the fuck out of her with his creepy face, asking to rent one of her rooms. He does, and ends up seducing her and impregnating her. They have a baby girl named Bondi, and Gar starts to ignore Linnea in favor of caring and preening over his beloved daughter. The film takes us to present day finally, thirty minutes into the movie, and Bondi is sweet 16. She runs away from home because her parents are arguing over her and finds herself in the woods, because there appears to be nothing else out there in this world but woods. She runs into a runaway kid named Nick, who feels her up while she dozes on an old couch. She wakes up, and he responds "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were alive." To which we are led to believe this sick dumbass is used to groping the boobies of dead girls?

So now the movie is about Bondi and this homeless kid Nick, and their other homeless friend Cowboy, a teen that is just about Bondi's age or older, which means they start making out almost immediately upon meeting. Linnea and the rest of the cast disappears as we follow young Nick on his day job, selling crappy flowers to Mexicans on the street. He meets an old man, Taft, who acts as if he's hitting on the kid, and they become fast friends. Taft warns Nick that the woods he lives in might be haunted and he goes back to warn his homeless friends only to find out that the old lady that owns the property that they have been camping out on is actually Tra, the cavewoman. A fight ensues between Tra and Gar, who returns to hump his daughter (?????) and then Bondi starts to change into the ridiculously old woman from the beginning and makes zombies come out of nowhere and eat our eternal cave couple. Then Bondi returns to normal and the movie ends with her and her homeless friends running around a playground.

This movie was utter garbage. A numb-headed story that was never really sure where it was going, and took strange byways to get there; a director with no real interest in directing the actors to react accordingly or framing things interestingly; and worst of all a misuse of Linnea Quigley's naked body. This movie is retarded on all levels, and that's only how it starts. It gets worse as the plot points come fast and furious like a fat guy to a buffet. I was appalled by how awful and stupid this movie was, and I think you will too. There is nothing to recommend here, not one. Don't go near the park, friends, in fact avoid at all costs!

- Jose Prendes