What do you say about a movie with that title? It sounds like it would be awesome. It sounds like it might even be a masterpiece. Well, since it got the dreaded Red Death Coffin, I'm sure you can guess how good this film actually was.

Directed by Jason Bateman's dad Kent and one of the first films released straight-to-VHS, this obscure as hell picture takes places in the hellhole known as New York. We are introduced to struggling (and untalented, shitty) artist Arthur, who decides to make ends meet by becoming a burglar. However, during one of his nightly raids he gets his eyeball gouged out by the lady of the house he is burgling. He crawls down the fire escape with the eyeball hanging out of the socket and yells 'MY EYE!' a thousand annoying times. Right from the opening minutes you know this one's going to hurt.

We meet our friend after he has recuperated and find him wearing a dashing new eye-patch. Unable to paint because of his depth perception or some crap, he turns to sculpting and starts creating weird sculptures of eyeballs in cubes. A young art student stops by his workshop and sees the sculptures and express her admiration for them (for some reason). They develop a friendship and he comes out of his self-imposed isolation to waste at least forty minutes of our time with long, boring, dumb, repetitive montages of them hanging out.

His eye, however, gives him sharp pains every once and a while and begins to drive him mad...or madder, I guess. He is driven to gouge the eyes out of beautiful Manhattanite women, and this ultimately leads to the end of his burgeoning relationship. The film climaxes with a long-as-hell (which can be read as boring-as-hell and pointless) chase through the boring, depressing streets of New York.

This movie was so lame and boring and tiring and irritating that I wanted to gouge my own eyes out about halfway through. There is nothing redeeming about this film...NOTHING. If you are lucky enough to find an old clamshell vhs of it in the few remaining, crumbling family video stores hidden in the nooks and crannies of America...STAY THE HELL AWAY. Don't be fooled by the great artwork, save your eyes for something worth watching.

- Jose Prendes