Shooting on video usually makes anything an instant "bad movie", but it works on certain occasions like certain found-footage movies, but I'm not getting into that genre right now. I'm talking about SHOT-ON-VIDEO (SOV) movies that either go direct to video through an obscure label (like Camp Motion Pictures, who put out this little ditty) or films that are independently distributed because no one else wants to carry it. Theses films are a special kind of hell, and usually PAINFUL to watch. But when I started watching PDT (as I will abbreviate here), I started to think my prejudice would be overturned...and then a few minutes after the neat 007 opening sequence the truth was revealed!

This "erotic vampires" movie starts with a pizza boy delivering a hot pie (pizza, you pervs) to two hot pies (vaginas) who turn out to be vampires. They tie him up and EAT HIS DICK. Okay, cool beginning right? Then we find out that these gals were ex-porn stars turned vamps and now they spend time hanging out at bars (mostly gay ones) and eating people. There is one nasty, stomach-churning sequence where a gay vamp takes a gay into a bathroom stall and after some heavy kissing he kills the guy, drinks his blood, then goes out to the dance floor and SPITS THE BLOOD into one of the vamp girl's mouth. This is not sexy at all and almost made me vomit.

The girls, by the way, are Shelby and Jennifer, two very pretty girls who are anything but actresses in this abysmal mess. But I digress, it turns out that Jennifer still pins for John, her porn director boyfriend who she had to leave behind when she was turned while on the set of her latest fuck fest. She runs into him 30 years later and he looks like a chunky and dopier Ron Howard. Oh, remember the dickless pizza boy? Well, he's been turned into a vampire and is now hunting the demon bitches that turned him. He dresses in a trench coat and tries to act badass, but still looks like D.J. Qualls on a bad day. He teams up with the Mayor, a man who overacts so much that the combination of his stupid face and hideous mannerisms downgraded this movie to a red death almost instantly. I don't mean to be a dick and insult the people themselves, because it really is the fault of the director. What started out like a boring vampire love story drama turns quickly into a silly, unfunny comedy. This is a huge problem for most SOV films, and I don't know if its because they try to compensate for their lack of production value or if its the lack of acting chops that allows this crummy tripe to transpire as humor.

Anyway, the pizza boy dude manages to track them down and Jennifer runs back into the arms of the aging John. John's big plan to save the day is: MAKE A PORN MOVIE! So they get some money from a fat dude that is unfunny and very annoying and start making the ultimate "horror" porn as pizza boy makes his appearance and the silly, easily-concluded final fight takes place as the porn movie subplot suddenly becomes the main plot and the whole mayor thing goes out the window, only to have him brought back at the end as a vampire and a new porn star! To say this movie was all over the place would be like saying that Avatar had some CG in it.

Now, with all this talk of porn and erotic vampires you'd expect tons and tons of nudity right? Well, if you noticed my breast rating you'd see that this was not the case. There are only two pairs of boobs in the film and they belong to a pair of flat-chested strippers that appear for no reason at all except to provide the peaks. Shelby and Jennifer, who are supposed to be porn stars, never get naked at all (!!!), adding a layer of cheesy and boredom to the endless porn movie behind-the-scenes scenes. If you are going to make a movie that features the actors making a porn movie then it would be behoove you to hire girls who will get naked for Christ's sake! If there was a constant stream of boobs, or even good gore then it would have been ok, but there is really nothing to recommend here. This is a boring movie that starts out like a gore film, turns into a vamp drama, and then transitions into a comedy and then (for some unknown and retarded reason) a behind-the-scenes on porn filmmaking. PDT stands for PRETTY DUMB THINGS as far as I’m concerned.

- Jose Prendes