I picked up a couple of cheap used horror movies at Blockbuster the other day and this is one of them. They were all direct to video. I was in that kind of a mood. I had not done any modern direct to video films in a while so I sat down to watch Satanic.

Michelle has just been in a car accident. She might have amnesia because she doesn’t really remember much of what happened that night. Her face was mangled in the accident (we see none of it) and has been re-structured by renown surgeon Dr. Barbary (Angus Scrimm from the Phantasm series). Her father died in the car crash and Detective Joyner, played by Jeffrey Combs, is investigating any foul play. Combs is in the film for two brief scenes then we see no more of him. That’s a shame. There is a killer loose too added to the mix and the hospital janitor is the first to go.

Michelle gets taken to a halfway house upon her release from the hospital. It’s run by a seedy married couple: Bisson and Jackie, played by Diane Goldner from the Feast films. It turns out Michelle had a rebellious past full of satanic shit and violence. She cannot remember things but is troubled by horrific nightmares. The kids at the halfway house are all morons. Dutch and Larry are constantly fighting and playing video games. Dalia is a hot goth chick that’s dumb and stupid but has a nice body. One night she shows Dutch her boobs in her bedroom while Michelle is asleep on the bed next to her having nightmares where her dad is missing his eyes. Michelle is looking through her stuff in the morning which includes a Satanic journal and a homemade authentic Satanic Ouija board. As Michelle learns more about herself the killer gets closer and kills Dalia one night. Detective Joyner investigates briefly then disappears again. Michelle plans on escaping but gets knocked in the head by someone. Larry (who has a crush on Michelle) escapes and goes to talk to Dr. Barbary. In two shakes of a goats tail we find Bisson, Dutch and Jackie dead. We don’t get to see the actual kills which is annoying. But the film somehow makes up for the lack of onscreen violence by a fully nude shot of Michelle in the shower.

Then we find out that they rebuilt Michelle’s face from the wrong photos! Photos of a real, satanic teen girl! The Satanic girl then kills Larry. It turns out that Michelle is the true name of the satanic teen and the car crash , amnesia victim we have been following is indeed Kayla. Michelle was heavily into witchcraft and was in the process of summoning a demon to grant her immortality. She had picked up a hitchhiker (Kayla) and drugged her and was planning to sacrifice her to the demon. During a car trip with her dad driving and Kayla and her in the back seat she kills her father and jumps out of the moving vehicle. Two sacrifices are better than one right?? What ends up happening is that the demon (whom we never see) mistakes Kayla for Michelle and gives Kayla immortality and snatches Michelle’s dad as the sacrifice. In the final battle there is really no contest between Michelle and Kayla. Kayla is fucking immortal. She wrestles with Michelle and kills her.

If you think that this last plot twist was retarded your not the only one. If you are upset for lack of violence and gore, your not the only one. And if you enjoyed the sweet boobs, seemingly as a consolation prize your definitely not alone on that. I have never heard of a demon making a mistake on a bargain. The acting was awful, except for Combs and Scrimm which brought some professionalism to an otherwise boring amateur endeavor. This film is classic "Bargain Bin" material. That’s all I can really say to end this review.

- Jorge Antonio Lopez