SPLATTER FARM (1987)
posted 02/24/2013

Directed by:
John Polonia, Mark Polonia

Starring:
Todd Michael Smith ... Jeremy
John Polonia ... Joseph
Mark Polonia ... Alan
Marion Costly ... Aunt Lacey

Country: USA
Runtime: 70 min
 
         
 

The Polonia brothers deliver a slice of putrid schlock cinema that sticks to the back of your throat and eventually makes you puke the gunk out! There is little doubt that the aim of this 80s shot-on-video picture was to gross people out. We get samplings of murder, incest, and necrophilia. If you can stomach your plate, you might even ask for seconds. After all, this is Strictly Splatter and we cater to a select crowd.

Joseph and Alan (played by John and Mark Polonia respectively) are brothers that have decided to spend the summer at Aunt Lacey’s farm. But before this, the film opens with a disturbing scene. Jeremy (Todd Michael Smith), the farm hand, is hacking up a corpse in the shed. After chopping off an arm, he uses the hand on the limb to masturbate himself with. Right off the bat you know this is not going to be a careless, lazy summer of rest and relaxation. The film then shows us more crazy shit that Jeremy does, which includes killing a pony (off-screen), beheading a woodsman, and using the head for oral sex. One of the brothers catches Jeremy opening up the calluses on his hand with a knife and sucking on them. Disgusted, he runs out and pukes on the ground, and then a hungry cat eats the vomit! Are you starting to get what I said about this movie‘s purpose being to gross us out? But we are just getting started.

Aunt Lacey is a perverted old woman that is lonely because her husband Ray died when an axe fell on his head. She keeps his corpse sitting up on a lawn chair in the basement. Jeremy gets jealous every time Lacey goes down to be with the rotting corpse. The axe falling on the head is the story the brothers believe, but Lacey and Jeremy are keeping secrets. Lacey has always had the hots for her nephew Alan. One night when they are alone together she drugs his tea so that she can take advantage of him. The following is what she says: "I’m so lonely Alan. Tonight I’ll be lonely no more. You’ll do anything I ask of you...anything!". Then there is a close-up as she licks her lips. Soon after we see a bed shaking and a blanket covering up two bodies and the rest is left to the imagination. If you’re still with me by now pat yourself on the back because it’s almost over.

Meanwhile Joseph has been investigating the woods. He doesn’t know his brother has been fucked sideways by grandma (Aunt technically, but she looks like a grandma to me), but he does know Jeremy is not in his right mind and that something is wrong on the farm. He finds a bloody skull in the fields and the brothers (Alan apparently doesn’t remember last night’s romp with grandma) try calling the police, but the phone is DEAD, and the car is DEAD, and Jeremy keeps DEAD body parts in his shed hangout. Everything is fucking DEAD…everything except grandma’s sexual appetite and Jeremy’s blood lust. The brothers are trapped on splatter farm! They plan to check things out after everyone is asleep, but Alan falls asleep too, and Joseph goes out to investigate again, alone. Why the hell didn’t Joseph wake up his dumb-ass sleeping brother?

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!

Joseph bumps into Jeremy in the middle of the night and they fight. Jeremy knocks him out and ties his hands to some pipes in the shed. Jeremy smacks him around and pees on his face. He then pulls off Joseph’s pants and underwear and thrusts a few fingers up his asshole until they are dripping with shit!! He licks his hand and smears some of the brown stuff on Joseph’s face! The Polonia brothers don’t mess around! It makes me wonder what type of childhood trauma these young filmmakers must have had. Anyway, let’s get back to the movie because it is just about over. Later Jeremy and grandma bury Joseph’s half-conscious body. Feeling elated, Jeremy punches Uncle Ray off his chair in the basement and says, "I’m the man of the house now!". In the morning Alan find’s his brother’s glasses out in the field, but before anything can come of that Jeremy shoots his head off with a rifle.

In the final minutes of the film Aunt Lacey divulges to Jeremy the shocking truth about what happened to her husband. Ray was in actuality Lacey’s brother. He raped her and the fruit of that union was Jeremy! It turns out that Lacey was the one who killed Ray and she had made Jeremy believe that he had. He’s dumb, that could kind of make sense. Jeremy doesn’t like what he just heard, so he jabs a dynamite dildo up Lacey’s dry cunt and she explodes! He then dances around the fields without a shirt on.

This film was originally titled The Degenerates. It was written and directed by the Polonia brothers and Todd Michael Smith who played Jeremy in the film. In the bonus features on the DVD they also mention that Marion Costly, who played Lacey, was really one of these guy’s grandmothers; doesn’t specify whose though. In unfortunate news, John Polonia died in 2008 at age 39, leaving his brother to continue making crazy movies without him. That really must have been awful for Mark and here at Splatter we regret his loss. As many of you may know the Polonia brothers, before John’s death, had teamed up with Jon McBride of Cannibal Campout fame to make Feeders and other crazy fun films.

I know that we have often suggested schlock titles as party favorites to watch at gatherings, but Splatter Farm is probably one of the best to watch with friends. The young Polonia brothers try their damndest to gross us out and they succeed. I only gave this movie three coffins because I found it hard watching this alone a second time. You really need friends to laugh with. The nasty scenes kinda darken your soul and stain it somewhat, so what I did to cleanse my palate was to watch some Ninja Turtles cartoons afterwards.

- Jorge Antonio Lopez

 

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