You know when you start to watch a movie and you can tell from the first minute (possibly even the first 30 seconds) that you are going to hate it? Well, that happened with this movie. I got to see this waste of time on the big screen at the New Beverly cinema in Los Angeles during the first annual Boobs and Blood Film Festival. It was the first event that we were ever able to attend as press, and even though they forget to write down our names and didn't remember us, I still got to go in for free and check out the first of the three night festival. I was disappointed; however, that this was the movie I got stuck with.

This film defies explanation because...well, there is no real plot. This is basically a reality TV show pilot, even if they say it isn't, that's how it plays. Imagine all the catty, bitchy drama from crap like Road Rules, Big Brother, Real World and the like, but the stars are the Suicide Girls and not just "regular" folks. Who are the Suicide Girls (SG)? Good question. I wasn't sure until I did some "in depth" research and found out that they are a special brand of porn that focuses on the softer side of punk chicks. If you're cute, have multiple tattoos and piercings, and want to show your goods, then the Suicide Girls want you! That's basically who they are. These guys have built a brand around a certain kind of nude model and are apparently doing incredibly well with their site and calendars and whatever else they try to sell to people looking for unique, generation-X nudity.

They are doing so well that they decided to make a movie. I mean that very loosely, because like I said this is really just a reality show concept stretched out to what they say is 90 minutes, but what feels like a three hour snooze-a-thon. But wait, the girls get naked right? That's what they do, right? How can that be boring, you ask? Well, you are right, they get naked, but extremely briefly! I mean, look at my boob rating. 12 freakin' girls pop their tops, but they happen so briefly and quickly that it almost amounts to nothing. So, there goes this movie's first biggest selling point, because you won't be able to whack off to it. Unless girls screaming at each other and crying about stuff and drinking and being annoying and ridiculous human beings turns you on. If that's the case then whack away, my friend!

Anyway, back to this nonexistent movie. Twelve girls, plus some of the heads of SG, head to a cabin in the woods of Maine to shoot pictures for their new calendar. Some of the girls start to go missing, and shit hits the fan. Or it's supposed to, but what we get is scene after scene of bitchy girls bitching at each other about the same damn things. In fact, when something happens, when someone goes missing or whatever, each girl has to restate the fact so that the audience knows what's going on...in case the actual event didn't let us in on the fact! In the end, the few remaining girls take to the woods to find civilization and help and some end up with nice wet t-shirts as they are chased around by what appear to be a group of grass monsters. But in all actuality turns out to be something truly retarded. The movie leaves you as unsatisfied as one Dorito.

This reality-show slasher film is light on the slashing, which either happens off camera, or not at all, and heavy on the reality-show bullshit. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was in it, not that I had any expectations, but this was truly the lowest common denominator of the what the film could have been. Punk chicks getting sliced and diced, ok great, that would have been entertaining. But punk chicks eating shit, arguing, crying, getting pissy and moany in a world styled after the very worst of reality television? No, I'll pass and so should you. If you wanted to see them naked, then just go to the website and purchase yourself a subscription instead.

- Jose Prendes