TVs haven't been so sinister since Videodrome, but not even Cronenberg thought up the concept of having zombies exit the TV screen and invade the world. This late 80s zombie monster mash was something I had to revisit from my childhood, and sadly it didn't hold up to the memories.

Hi-Lite delivery drops off a crate at Mr. Jordan's house. Inside the crate, amidst some balled-up paper is a TV. That night it starts playing a zombie film on its own, annoying Mr. Jordan. He goes to bed and later that night the TV comes on again, despite it being unplugged and zombies start crawling out of the boob tube. In the morning, the delivery guys return. It seems there has been a mix up. The crate was supposed to go to the Institute for the studies of the occult. But it's too late, Mr. Jordan is found dead and his house is put up for sale. Three months later the Blair family moves in. Jeff and Zoe are settling in while their parents are away in Saudi Arabia on a business trip. A cowboy from Texas named Joshua Daniels shows up to warn the kids about the TV, but they don't know where it is or what happened to it, much less believe him. Well, as luck would have it, the TV is now unnecessary because the zombies that escaped 3 months ago are still lurking around.

They've been spending their time in the woods surrounding this small suburban neighborhood and have just recently decided to start eating people again. Why they waited 3 months (or why the film decided to take a 3 month break, since the zombies were out of the TV already and no one needed to be in the house to turn the TV on) is not explained. They start eating their way through the neighbors until it becomes painfully obvious to Jeff and Zoe that there really are zombies out there and they are taking over. The cowboy guy, Joshua, shows up again and somehow has all the answers. I hope you are sitting down folks, because this movie is about to get shockingly retarded. There are two way to kill the zombies, you can either lock them up in a place with no possible escape so they just eat each other (stupid!) or just shoot them or stab them like regular people so they can believe they have to logically be dead and will then just lie down and rot away (incredibly stupid!!). Also, the zombies hate mirrors, not because it traps their souls, but because they don't like to see their ugly faces (super stupid!!!). Also, you can get past the zombies if you don't show them fear. If you just pretend they are regular folks they won't eat you, because they won't feel like monsters and will want to attack you because they are sensitive (retardedly stupid!!!!).

Jeff and Joshua decide to team up to kill the zombies. They load up on chainsaws and a bow with tons of arrows. They head out into the woods and we expect some great zombie mayhem, but get some half-assed silliness. Joshua uses Jeff as bait and in the end both of them die stupidly, leaving Zoe (played with stilted gracelessness by Roxanna Augesen, who makes her one and only film appearance in this movie and showcases her bizarre, square-mouthed smile) to contend with the living dead. She remembers the info that Joshua gave her (again, how he knew it, we never find out) and she decides to treat the zombies like they were old friends. She opens the front door and invites them all in for chili (WTF!). The zombies, seeing that they aren't being treated like monsters, take her up on her friendly offer and they all sit down to a nice, relaxing dinner together. Then she coaxes them into the basement to have a dance party (a fucking dance party!!!!) and she locks the door. Seeing themselves locked in the basement without a way out they start to melt and decide to eat each other. The end. Zoe has saved the day in the lamest, most idiotic way ever by simply locking a door on the lamest, most idiotic zombies ever.

I remember this movie being fun but I was severely disappointed with this re-watch. The zombies look sort of cool, but two or three of them are just guys with heavy greasepaint on their faces. The plot is beyond dumb, and that's a shame because it had major promise. And the cast provides the icing to this insanely stupid zombie movie. They do manage to kill a real goldfish, though. At least, I think so. With unlikable characters and a turgid, brainless plot, this movie is lucky to get one coffin, and that may be only because of my fond memories of what I thought it was like and the nostalgia behind that. This one is very, VERY hard to find, seeing as it never came out on DVD, and sucks so fucking bad that it probably never will. If you want to see it, however, check out our friends at HorrorSource.com. They're basically a horror movie Netflix and they've got a DVD backup of the VHS, plus a ton of other rare gems that never made it to DVD or have long since been forgotten.

- Jose Prendes