Some movies are bad. Some movies are horrible. Some movies are so bad and horrible that you want to own it and torture your friends by putting it on everytime they stop by the house, which eventually leaves you with no friends. And then there are some movies that are so bad, so horrible, so unbelievably inept and god-awful that you wouldn't even make your worst enemy sit through it. With that in mind, let me bring to your attention a little film called Weasels Rip My Flesh which was made in 1979, the year I was born, and directed by Nathan Schiff, a man I wish was not born. This film ranks as the number one dumbest, most retarded film I have ever seen, and please allow me to expound on that.

First the plot. Apparently, a spaceship (which is a cardboard tube with matches for rockets) crash lands in the wilds of New Jersey with a radioactive slime (from some planet made from cardboard as well) which oozes into a weasel hole in the mud. The weasel then becomes monstrously giant, or so we are meant to think so, and kills the dumb kids and proceeds to go on a rampage. We meet up with two swinging bachelors who have to be related to Mister Kotter, and they run the creature over and then get killed by it. So much for getting to know them. Then we get the real story, when we meet two guys who are supposed to be cops, and they stumble onto a stupid-looking guy in a wind breaker who takes them into his wood-paneled living room lab underground and declares that he is a scientist who forced the spaceship down and is now doing experiments on the rabid weasel and various other specimens to find a way to be immortal. I shit you not. That is the plot.

But I am not done yet. You're not getting off that easy. In the interest of saving you time and money, I will spoil the retarded-ass ending for everyone, and you may thank me with Blu-ray's. The cops escape and so do two giant weasel monsters. The first one is part-man part-piece of shit squid-thing that walks around like an old man and attacks by waving its incredibly crappy-looking hands. Then the other weasel monster comes out, and that one looks like (and I am making none of this up) a shit shark. So the shit shark weasel and the shit-squid weasel man are fighting it out in the most asinine way possible and they manage to kill themselves. Hooray! But wait, we've still got to deal with Doctor Dumbass with the pedophile haircut. He and the surviving cop have a ridiculously lame-beyond-compare shootout, which forces the doc into the river. Suddenly, and yes this is all true, a TOY SHARK jumps out of the water, bites the doc's arm off and drags him under. The End.

With the above paragraph you might be saying "okay, I can see how this would suck". But no, you won't really know until you saw it, and you shouldn't see it, so just take my word for it. Everything from the bizarre camera angles, the muddy sound track, the music sampled off of older sci-fi movies and not very well edited together for that matter (some songs stop and star randomly, as if they had a chimp do their sound mixing, and I wouldn't put it past this Nathan Schiff guy), the cheapo and painfully laughable effects (if you can call them that), the terribly wooden acting, the stupid dialog, and the most retarded plot imaginable adds up to a movie unlike any other. It's an anti-movie. It's a disturbance within the force. It gives indie horror and sci-fi a bad name (which is hard to do). It makes you feel dirty and ashamed for having watched it. And most notably, it makes you realize that any steaming piece of turd can get a DVD release nowadays. So be warned, this one gets a red coffin for an extremely good reason.

- Jose Prendes